The Secret Lives of Dungeon Masters, Part 1

Let me begin by saying, this was New DM’s idea.
“Why don’t you try DM’ing a game sometime,” he suggested.
“No, that’s okay,” I said. “You’re doing a great job.”
“Umm… not in place of me,” he smiled. “I meant for fun.”
For fun? Ha! Dungeon Mastering is fun? Come on, New DM. I didn’t fall off the longship yesterday.
I like to think New DM suggested this believing I might actually have what it takes to run a successful game, but I suspected it was more like penance for all the hell I put him through. Of course he’d be in my “for fun” game, contradicting me, inventing spells, trying to pass as 3rd level when I know he’s only 2nd (I read ahead in the PH, okay? Tabitha has some cool spells coming her way.) He’ll master that same heartbreaking look as his Boston Terrier, Tulla, when I tell him his character takes damage. That same look I try to give him when my character gets in the way of some arrows.
“Tabitha takes 5 points of acid damage.”
“She does?”
“Yes, she does.”
“Really? She does?”
“Yes, really.”
“She had her shield of acid protection up. Is it still five points?”
“Oh. Right. Make that 10 points.”
I’d also like to believe we’re all created equal, but I can’t. I think certain people are better suited for certain things. Some people are lousy athletes but exceptional spectators. Some have a good eye for art but couldn’t draw a blank if their life depended on it. Some people can master a dungeon, but simply aren’t cut out to Dungeon Master. Sadly, I think I’m the latter in all of these examples.
I also know I’m not alone. I’ve heard from countless people the reason they won’t take a turn at Dungeon Mastering is because of the belief it’s just too hard. You have to know every rule. It takes weeks, even years to prepare for a campaign! You have to invest a lot in the tools a DM needs to run a really good game. A lot of games don’t ever get off the ground because no one wants to be the Dungeon Master. It’s more like D&D Show & Tell or D&D therapy where they just sit around a table and talk about what you would do if someone were running a game.
I, too, was under the impression that Dungeon Masters are players who have graduated through some elaborate, decades long, physical and mental rules-heavy competition like a jujitsu master climbing the ranks to black belt. Misconception? Maybe. But there must be some truth to the difficulties of DMing to inspire R&D to make some changes. 4th Edition is supposed to make Dungeon Mastering easier. Digital tools, restructured rules, more of what the players want, so you–the DM–look even better. (The virtual dungeon does look cool, even if it will call us all out on who really is packing a light source.)
I would be remiss to play 4th Edition for this long and not try out all of it’s features, and like it or not, that includes being a DM. I admit I was curious. I had one Dungeon Mastering experience that turned into a fiasco where I tried running my five unsuspecting, D&D-phobic, somewhat belligerent, and mostly tipsy girlfriends through the basic game. It… didn’t quite go as planned, as they couldn’t seem to get past the notion that they had to roll a die to find a door (it was a secret door!). This time I would play with people who already play D&D, which should make things easier, right? And let the record show I have absolutely no motive for wanting to kill any of my friends.
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