* note: the following blog was submitted in the evening; however, the author requested it be published this morning.
Good Evening. I am the Vampire, Miles Proctor.
As someone who’s lived through more than his share of fads (pantaloons, the telegraph, the hula hoop and the Hustle were just a few of my favorites), I can tell you that we are in the midst of a full-blown craze for all things fanged. From soft drinks to understated and tasteful pictorials in gentleman’s publications, that certain vampire je ne sais quoi has been co-opted for most every purpose you can think of.
But many of these new fictional vampires aren’t actually vampires at all. They never sleep in coffins, they don’t drink human blood – some of them even walk about in the day, their greatest fear not death from exposure to the sun, but being caught in the act of sparkling.
One of the most liberal, modern interpretations of the vampire ethos is of course Edward Cullen, the troubled teen vampire hero of the exceedingly popular and wildly inaccurate Twilight series. Cullen is so handsome, delicate and sensitive that one might mistake him for a particularly toothy, excruciatingly pale mumblecore filmmaker, rather than a fearsome, powerful creature of the night.
Not that the glittering creatures of Twilight are the first ones to get it wrong. Bela Lugosi’s theatrical Dracula was just another end of the stereotypical spectrum, albeit from an era of cartoonishly ghoulish vampires. In reality, neither portrait is definitive or entirely accurate.
I have laid out the truth, once and for all, in The New Vampire’s Handbook, about the habits and characteristics native to the true vampire. As it was written and edited by an actual handsome and successful vampire, there can be no doubt as to its accuracy –though I invite your comments as to how the reality squares with your notion of all things vampire.
Personally, I find the whole phenomenon mildly amusing, and await its passing. But I am curious as to what others think of the genteel, approachable, considerate, “new vampire” that’s so en vogue. Is the rise of vampire-lite in popular culture good for actual vampires like myself? Is it an affront to all of vampirekind? Will it outlast the popularity of Nu Metal, the Tamagochi, the Rubik’s Cube, or the Internet? I encourage you to speak freely.
I remain eternally yours,
The Vampire, Miles Proctor.