vampires of the world, unite and take over

Good Evening.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the Vampire Miles Proctor – tailor, entrepreneur, vampire par excellence- and the author and editor of The New Vampire’s Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night (Villard).
I’ve been a vampire for most of my 467 years. In that time, I’ve made lots of fantastic memories, and great friends with whom I’ve drained my fair share of prey.
But I’ve also met countless poorly mentored new vampires who hadn’t the faintest idea how to feed, where to meet another vampire, whether or not garlic could harm them. They lacked even the most basic knowledge, so that just surviving each night was a struggle for them. Watching them try to navigate a new world without the tools to do so was upsetting, to say the least.
After a while, I realized I had to do something to help these poor wretches, new to the fold with no one to guide them.
So I did what any self respecting vampire would do – I rolled up my sleeves, contacted my book agent, and hand picked human slaves from the likes of The Onion, The Daily Show, and Important Things with Demetri Martin to help me assemble a collection of indispensible information for the neophyte vampire. At last, The New Vampire’s Handbook has been released, putting a veritable treasure trove of information at the neophyte vampire’s fingertips, including:
• the ins and outs of your new vampiric body
• lessons on how to embrace your vampirosexuality
• fool proof methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
• the surprising joy of scrapbooking
And that’s just the beginning. All told, there’s more than 200 pages must-have information for that no new vampire should be without.
I’ll be posting here frequently with updates and information that may be of use to the vampire community, as well as posting relevant topics for debate and discussion. When I am otherwise occupied, irritable, or tired from a long night out, I’ll have one of the human slaves do it for me. I invite you to stick around, and look forward to hearing from each and every one of you.
Thank you for your attention – and Welcome to the Night.
Eternally yours,
The Vampire Miles Proctor