The Contestants |
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The Breakdown |
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Advantages
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Disadvantages
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Disadvantages
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Kills
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Kills
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How we think the fight will go
Agrajag, a large, crazed bat, had the singular misfortune of encountering Arthur Dent in every single one of his lives, only to find himself murdered in some strange way by the oblivious earthman. Cursed with memories of his past lives, Agrajag became obsessed with finally putting an end to all this nonsense by murdering his murderer, and so through the use of an obscure time-space warp technology far too complicated and sciency to go into here, he programs the multi-armed, bladed killing machine known only as the Shrike to do the deed.
With that task, the Shrike finds Dent on the remote planet of Lamuella. The robot sizes up the rather mundane human before beginning his bloody work.
Dent, known locally as the Sandwich Maker, is confused by the presence of this bladed robot, given that he and the Tool Maker had just the other day been discussing how swell it would be if robots could be designed to adequately slice Perfectly Normal Beast for a nice sandwich. Several sandwiches later, however, Arthur Dent begins to realize he may have been mistaken about the purpose of this particular robot. Indeed, as the Shrike starts flashing in and out of time around the hapless earthman, Dent indeed realizes that this may in fact be “the end” that he had thought would come on so many previous occasions.
But both he and the Shrike had not reckoned with the power of the Babelfish located in Dent’s ear.
Said Babelfish, gifted with the self-preserving power to shift sideways through probability, simply moves Arthur to another universe. Possessing the same ability, the Shrike follows. On and on this chase goes, until the Babelfish ultimately lures the Shrike to the end of the universe, which is a time/space he is simply unable to escape.
The robot Shrike then has to wait for the next universe to begin, which takes so long that all of his pointy bits wear down, replacing his intimidating presence with a sour disposition. By the time he encounters the earthman Arthur Dent again, all that is left of his homicidal inclination is a desire to annoy Dent. His name having been softened by the passage of time as well, Marvin proceeds to do exactly that for quite some time.
His attempt thwarted, Agrajag decides that his best course of action would be to simply avoid the earthman. A few days later, he finds himself one moment pleasantly as far away from Dent as possible, the next moment hurtling past the Heart of Gold, improbably turned into a bowl of petunias.
Predicted Winner: Arthur Dent
The Shrike is a character from Dan Simmon’s Hyperion series; Arthur Dent is a character from Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s series.
The Shrike image courtesy of Francois Baranger. Arthur Dent image courtesy of Touchstone Pictures
sadly, i have to vote for the shrike. at least if he was not a robot, the point of wiew gun would have weaken him
protag-thngy..
who wants a pizza roll?
Arthur Dent. You can’t beat luck.
Bollocks. You can defeat Arthur Dent easily, but some superinvulnerable nigh-unstoppable killing machine ain’t the way to do it. Stop bitching that Dent winning this round means he’ll win the whole thing.
This is one of the more interesting ones due to the nature of the two contestants – they are almost made for each other. I think the shrike pulls ahead on this though for a few reasons:
1) Dent may not be able to die, but the Shrike doesn’t kill all its victims. Indeed, the Tree of Thorns seems to keep them alive indefinitely.
2) The Shrike defies probability. Thats one of its main “effects” on the universe. The AI’s are unable to predict anything regarding Hyperion despite having a +99.9% accuracy in all other predictions. Dent exploits an almost completely inverse ability, taking advantage of the remotest of remote possibilities – but for the Shrike things that should be impossible are not (rather than the unlikely being likely).
As long as it ain’t Stavromula Beta, even Shrike can’t kill Dent
Very well said, Requiem.
To paraphrase another author who doesn’t have near enough protagonists in this cage match:
“The chance of Arthur Dent beating the Shrike is a one in a million longshot. However, we all know that one in a million chances work 100% of the time.”
Great matchup – winner, Arthur Dent.
Right down to the wire! They should all be this hard fought.
This one should have gone to Dent. He has infinite improbability. It’s not just a property of the Heart of Gold, but also of DentArthurDent himself. Only someone who can alter the fabric of the universe should have beaten him. Ged is a good candidate in the brackets. Alternatively, both Lyra and Locke Lamorra would probably have beaten Dent, because he wouldn’t have infinite improbability in those cases.
I think someone needs to look up the meaning of Deus ex Machina. It really doesn’t mean what you think it means. Unless you are suggesting that the fight will end with some previously unmentioned character showing up and suddenly solving the entire problem.
Hmm. Pity about that result. I was really pulling for Arthur Dent on this one.
I’m curious as to why the ability to fly wasn’t listed amongst Dent’s assets, though. Seems that was the deciding factor last time he ended up face-to-face with a killer android. Oh well.
Thanks for commenting! Comments are now closed on this post, but you can follow this match’s winner in the next fight, open 3/15 at 10:30 EST!