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Cage Match 2010, Round 2: 2) Cthulhu versus 15) Jaime Lannister

Cthulhu.jpg

Image courtesy of Dominique Signoret

JaimeLannister2.jpg

Image courtesy of Michael Komarck

Cthulhu
Great Old One
Age: ??
Race: ??
Weapons / Artifacts: None
Special Attack: Drives all who see it to insanity

Jaime Lannister
The Kingslayer
Age: 34
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Sword (Valyrian steel; borrowed from Tommen)
Special Attack: Insanely hot
Advantages

  • Unfathomably huge–like, the size of a mountain
  • Inpires madness and terror in all who see it
  • Is an elder being
Advantages

  • The greatest swordsman of his age
  • Golden hair, flashing green eyes, killer smile (18 Charisma)
  • Has no qualms about murdering and/or crippling children
Disadvantages

  • Might still be dreaming in R’lyeh
Disadvantages

  • Missing his sword hand
Kills

  • Lyra Silvertongue (Should have listened to mama…)
Kills

  • Hermione Granger (Looks like someone got a “Troll” on their Survival N.E.W.T.)

Click here to see what author George R. R. Martin thinks will happen

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“Books?” Jaime said. “How can books help me in a fight?”

“They can tell you more about this thing you’re fighting.” Tyrion dumped the dusty tomes down on the table.

“Cthulhu,” said Jaime. “It sounds like the noise old men make when they’re bringing up phelgm.” He rummaged through the books with his good hand. They had odd titles, in languages he did not know, though he was not surprised his brother did. “Abdul Alhazared,” he pronounced, leafing through a few pages. “This is written in gibberish. What tongue is this?”

“A fair question,” said Tyrion, “to which I have no answer. That comes from the shadowlands beyond Asshai. But here, look at this. It is a translation of a translation of a translation, I understand.” The dwarf flipped through the pages, until he found the one he wanted. “And there are illuminations. Here. This is Cthulhu.”

Jaime stared. “That?”

“That.”

“It’s as big as Casterly Rock.”

“Bigger. If Casterly Rock fell on its head it might not even notice.”

“Seven bloody hells.” Even if he still had two good hands, Jaime Lannister was not certain how he was supposed to fight something like that. “Those tentacles… this thing looks as though it just ate twenty giant krakens, but hasn’t quite finished swallowing them yet.” He sat down, and began turning pages. “Maybe if I had a dragon… ”

“Maybe if you had a hundred dragons.” Tyrion sat cross-legged on his stool and began rummaging through another book, called Mysteries of the Worm.
“Read. I’ll do the same. You haven’t much time.”

“I suppose not,” Jaime admitted. “What am I looking for?”

“Weaknesses.”

Jaime looked at the picture of Cthulhu again. “It has eyes,” he said. “A vulnerable point, perhaps. A spear through the eye will kill a dragon.” How could he reach the eyes, though? The thing was taller than the Wall. “A rope and a grapnel… I could scale the damned thing, as if it were a mountain… but I’d need too good hands to pull myself up…” He did not have two good hands.

“You could have twenty good hands,” said Tyrion. He did not even look up from his book. “The tentacles would catch you and pull you apart like a wishbone.” He turned another page. “You had best start reading, if you ever want to fuck our sweet sister again.”

Jaime started reading. It was not at all his favorite pastime, but he saw his little brother’s point.

The better part of an hour passed before he looked up. “Here’s something,” he said. “Elder signs.” He turned the book around and showed it to Tyrion.

The dwarf scratched at his nose, considering. “Hmmm. Yes. Protective wards. Those could be useful.”

“I can paint one on my shield,” said Jaime.

“On your shield and all over your armor,” suggested Tyrion. “But paint can be stripped away too easily. Have these Elder Signs etched into the metal.”

“Agreed.” Jaime rose and summoned his armorer and set him to work. “Along my sword as well,” he told the man. “Both sides.”

Tyrion was still reading. “That’s unfortunate.”

“What?” Jaime poured each of them a cup of wine. This reading was thirsty work.

“Well, it says here that the mere sight of this Cthulhu will drive you mad with terror.”

Jaime laughed. “What, me?” He took a sip of wine. “Sometimes a little terror just makes a man fight harder.”

“They’re talking about a lot of terror,” said the dwarf. “Not the fight-harder kind, alas. The shit-your-breeches-and-curl-up-in-a-ball kind.”

Now that was really vexing. Even covered with Elder Signs, how could he be expected to fight the damn thing if he could not even look at it? “Do I need to go into battle blind?” he asked his brother. “There was Symeon Star-Eyes, true, but he had years of experience fighting sightless. I do not. How do I even find the bloody thing?”

“Well, I imagine there will be a smell,” said Tyrion. His frown deepened. “It would appear you can’t kill it either.”

“A thrust through the eye… ” insisted Jaime, clinging to that hope.

“… is like to inconvenience it, but the thing’s already dead, or undead, or… Listen to this. That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die.”

“I doubt that I can wait aeons,” said Jaime. “So the thing’s a god, is it?”

“Pretty much.” Scowling, Tyrion turned more pages. Then he grinned. “Oh, hold on. Here is it.”

“What now?” asked Jaime.

“It’s sleeping.” Tyrion tapped the page. “Says so right here. And in the other book as well. Cthulhu is sleeping in R’yleh beneath the sea.”

“How does that help us?” asked Jaime.

“Well,” said Tyrion, “let’s not wake it. If Cthulhu doesn’t turn up, you win the match by default. Big fellow like that needs its sleep. I’d hate to disturb its dreaming, wouldn’t you?”

“We all need to dream,” said Jaime, with a wry smile. “But someone will want to it wake it up, I fear.”

“A lot of someones,” the dwarf confessed. “There’s heavy coin down on the big guy.”

He was not wrong. When Jaime strode onto the battleground beside the sea, he found more than twenty of them: priests and acolytes with bulging eyes, fish-belly white skin, receding chins, and the odd gill or two. The moment they saw him, they all started chanting, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,”and dancing about in a circle, their pale limbs flopping. Their eyes were all on the waves. None of them paid the least bit of attention to Jaime… until he shrugged off his cloak and let it puddle to the ground, revealing the golden armor beneath, covered over head to heel with Elder Signs.

Then they started shrieking. Smiling happily, Jaime donned his helm, and unsheathed his longsword.

The priests were slow and clumsy, at least on land. None of them were armed, and his blade went through their pale soft flesh like a fishwife’s knife through a fresh catch, the Elder Signs along its length brightening with each kill. Green ichor splattered everywhere. Before long the ground was slippery with scales and webbed hands and stinking fish innards. No one was chanting anymore.

Cthulhu never showed. Jaime hoped it was having a nice dream. Maybe it has a sweet sister too.

“I think you’ve won this one,” said Tyrion, as the sun was going down. There was no one left to dispute it. “Let’s go collect our winnings. You won’t believe the odds I got on you, brother.”

How we think the fight will go

Cthulhu and Jaime sat around the table, discussing the merits of destroying little girls.

“My favorite part was when she pulled out her little instrument thingy–like an Elder Being is scared of an over-glorified Geiger Counter.”

Jaime didn’t know what Cthulhu meant. Hell, he could barely understand the almost visual touch of the monster’s voice that would have sent his soul screaming–if he still had one. What he did understand was the fine wine he’d been consuming almost continuously since he’d won his last match. He reached absently for it with his right hand, only to remember that said appendage was no longer there. The dark voice rambled on in his brain…

“…so I said, ‘You eat the spleen!’,” which caused the be-tentacled god-thing to chortle with bone-liquifying amusement.

“Ha,” said Jaime. Clearly Cthulhu’s humor was lost on him.

“What about you?” the dark being asked.

“‘What about me’ what?”

“Well, how’d your battle go?”

Jaime snorted. “Battle? What battle? I’ve had more sport with a pack of worthless Starks than the precocious child those worthless Suvudu people put me up against.”

“I hear that!” Cthulhu guffawed. “You toss this one out a window, too?”

This brought Jaime up short. “You go too far, ser.”

“Cthuhlu, please. Ser was my father.”

The absurdity of this last statement didn’t register to the Kingslayer, as much of this conversation hadn’t. But he couldn’t let this hulking madness sitting across from him insult his honor. “So…” Jaime said.

“So indeed,” Cthulhu replied, getting all serious and–as his friends would point out–most certainly unCthulhu-like.

The two stood up and squared off in front of each other. Jaime, in gleaming armor, looked every bit the feared warrior of Westeros he was known to be. He held his sword in what had once been his off-hand, but clearly was “off” no more. It wasn’t just competence in his grip; it was the casual disregard that spoke of a fighter whose skill had transcended “talented” to reach the realm of elite. The sword was an extension of his left hand as much as his sneer was an extension of his personality. Well-seasoned warriors would look upon his stance and know fear. Hardened veterans would look in his face and see the determination of one who had not only killed his liege, but vanquished a mighty witch just days before.

They would see their death, done up in a golden glory that would rival the sun.

Cthulhu yawned and destroyed the knight’s mind. For good measure, the dark god knelt on his head, popping it like an arrogant zit.

Only later, as the bartender came over to settle up the tab did Cthulhu realize it was being stuck with the bill.

Time to find his dear sister, Cthulhu thought. A Lannister always pays his debts…

Damn–someone already used that joke.

Predicted Winner: Cthulhu

(Cthulhu is a character from the myriad writings of H. P. Lovecraft; Jaime Lannister is a character from George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series,)

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  1. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “The Dream Quest of the Kingslayer”
    Storm’s End has seen tempests and typhoons, yet neither nature nor the gods have ever thrown fury against its walls like this. Towering waves hurl themselves at the shore as if the sea itself is trying to escape onto the land. Far out across the roiling grey mass of the terrorized ocean, Jaime Lannister can see the first spire of the city.
    It is rising. He does not know what it is, but dread like he has never felt grips his heart in a claw of ice and will not let go.
    Six figures stand behind him. My brothers? he thinks, believing that they are the other members of the Kingsguard. But when they step forward to fasten his armor into place, he sees that they are not the sworn swords of the king. Only one even seems to be a warrior at all—three are women. Young hands and gnarled old fingers work to secure his breastplate, pauldrons, his gorget, his helm… and finally his lone gauntlet, fit snug over his left hand. On his end of his right arm, the heavy gold hand presses against his stump, strapped firmly into place beneath his armor.
    It is not the roaring lion of Lannister that adorns his shield. It is a seven-pointed star. He barely has a moment to register this before he sees the figure approaching on the boat.
    How anyone could navigate these waves is a mystery. Even a warship like King Robert’s Hammer would be helpless in such a storm, yet the hooded stranger on the little skiff seems to slip between the raging waves, finding a secret path through the storm that lets him guide his tiny craft without being lifted and dashed against the stones. The prow of the boat knocks against the boulder upon which Jaime stands.
    “Who’s there?” Jaime calls to the stranger.
    The boatman pulls back his hood, and Jaime finds himself staring into a pair of mismatched eyes.
    “Tyrion?” he says, studying his brother’s misshapen face.
    “Hop aboard,” Tyrion beckons. The dwarf makes a sweeping gesture at the skiff. “It’s not Cersei’s pleasure barge, I’ll grant you, but it’ll get us there.”
    Jaime pivots to look at the six figures behind him. They are already fading into the rain, little more than shadows against the besieged walls of Storm’s End.
    “They can’t come,” Tyrion says. “Not where we’re going.”
    “Where are we going?” Jaime asks.
    Tyrion indicates the spire rising from the ocean with a slight jerk of his head. “There,” he says. “To R’lyeh.”
    The guttural word seems to claw its way from his brother’s throat with sound scratches across Jaime’s ears like a lunatic’s gnawed fingernails. It is as if his mind rebels at the idea of hearing the unnatural syllables. He presses his gold hand to his helmet, feeling a moment of illness. Jaime grimaces and fights off the nausea, refusing to be unmanned by a mere word.
    Tyrion watches with his unsettling gaze. “Nasty, isn’t it?” he says. “There’s a lot worse up ahead. Best keep your head clamped on tight, brother.”
    Jaime lifts his visor and gives his brother a questioning look. “This is just a dream, isn’t it?”
    Tyrion shrugs and grins, the scars on his maimed face stretching grotesquely. “It’s not ‘just’ a dream. Never think that. Now come on. Time’s wasting, and you’ve got a date with the king of madness.”
    Aerys? Jaime thinks, and steps onto the craft. Well, I slew him once already. No reason I can’t do it again.
    “Would you?” asks Tyrion.
    The question surprises Jaime enough that he steps back, and he catches himself before he loses his balance. In his armor, he’d sink like an anchor if he let himself topple overboard. “Would I what?” he asks.
    “Kill Aerys again,” Tyrion says. “If you could go back in time and do it all over, would you become the Kingslayer again? Was it worth it?”
    “You mean would I cast my good name into the shit-bucket to save a city full of ungrateful vermin?” Jaime grins. “What do you think?”
    “I think the answer had better be ‘yes,’” Tyrion says, “or this journey is going to end badly.”
    Jaime considers this in silence, watching mountains of water roll by on either side as the skiff threads its way through the storm. Any one of these waves could smash the small boat in an instant, yet he feels grateful for their presence. Most of the time, they block the view of the spire.
    R’yleh, he thinks, and his heart shudders. The brief glimpses he has of the structure tell him that it is perhaps the tallest building he has ever seen, reaching higher than the towers of Casterly Rock, and yet he senses that only its merest tip has crested the surface of the sea. It seems more like it was congealed rather than built, twisting and arcing in a geometry that offends his mind with its impossible contortions.
    He drops his visor into place again, narrowing the world into something he can better understand.
    The spire looms over them now. Jaime sees the landing towards which Tyrion steers and keeps his gaze focused on the outcropping. They ride the swell of an unthinkably huge wave up to the ledge and step off in tandem, not looking back to see the fate of the skiff. There is a seam in the wall of the spire that gapes like a carp’s mouth.
    Jaime turns to his brother and gestures with his gold hand. “In there, I suppose?”
    “After you deal with the welcoming committee,” Tyrion comments.
    Jaime whirls in time to see a thing hurl itself out of the darkness. It moves too quickly for him to get a good look at, but he can see the pincers well enough, and the bat-like wings spread wide as the monster lunges towards him. He raises his shield in time to intercept the thing’s charge, bracing himself to shunt aside the worst of the blow so the unnatural beast does not carry them both into the sea.
    He reaches for his sword, and only now realizes that the six attendants on the shore have armored him in the old way. His shield is on his left hand, his sword hangs from his left hip. He expects the golden hand to clunk uselessly against the pommel.
    Instead, his fingers close around the grip.
    This is not his flesh-and-blood hand. It is still a hand of gold, yet in this dream it has come to life. He can feel the leather beneath the golden palm, feel the incredible strength in his fingers as he rips his gilded blade from its scabbard. So great is his joy at having a functioning sword hand that even the monstrosity before him cannot frighten him. With a lusty cry of “Casterly Rock!” he plunges the sword into the spot where he expects the creature’s head should be.
    Its shriek seems to come from a thousand inhuman throats, hammering him from every direction. The sword lops off a chunk of dense, spongy flesh, and the monster whirls again to lunge at Jaime with its pincers. Chitin rakes against gold-plated steel, tearing away a rondel that protects the spot under Jaime’s right arm.
    His counterstrike hacks off the pincer. He takes the other appendage in a rising swing, then lays into the writing beast, dismantling it with a whirlwind of precise blows.
    Jaime staggers back as the reek of the dismembered creature hits him, willing himself not to gag. Throwing up in one’s armor is not an experience any knight relishes. “What,” he gasps, “was that?”
    “One of the Mi-Go, as they’re called,” Tyrion says. “A Fungus of Yuggoth. Wipe your sword, dear brother. Its juices are a bit caustic, and you’re going to need that blade intact. There are more where that came from.”
    Jaime hefts his sword and examines his living golden hand. The strength of a warrior’s grip is a key to determining the power of his strikes. He fancies that with this beauty on his wrist, he could strike a harder blow than the giant-sized Gregor Clegane. He had never felt more prepared for battle, and not even the alien strangeness of R’yleh can chill the fire that has kindled in his blood. “Let’s not keep them waiting,” he says to his brother, and marches into the darkness.
    -=-=-=-=-
    Jaime slumps against the porous wall of the stairwell, heaving from exertion. He examines the remains of his shield, wondering if it will last through another such encounter. The corpse of the thing before him is much larger than that of a Mi-Go. It is greyish-green, with a body that looks like some vile fusion between a fish, a frog, and a very large man.
    “A Deep One,” Tyrion informs him. “Means we’re getting closer if they’re coming out to play.”
    Jaime gives him a rueful glance. “It wouldn’t hurt you to lend a hand,” he says. “I hear you favor the battle-axe these days.”
    “I’m afraid the fighting is your responsibility, brother,” Tyrion says. “I’m just your guide. Do you think you could find your way through this maze alone?”
    Jaime stares around at the hideous corridor. The innards of R’yleh are more like a twisting mass of intestines than proper hallways. “I don’t even know where we’re supposed to be heading,” he admitted, “much less whether you’ve chosen the right path.”
    “Have no fear on that account,” Tyrion says. “You just stick to the killing.”
    “My specialty,” Jaime says. He looks at Tyrion curiously. “Why me?”
    “Hmm?”
    Jaime gestures at the hall. One passage leads out into a room that looks like some immense diseased gland, pulsing with luminous acidic sludge. “This is clearly some kind of hell,” he says. “A quest like this… you’d think it would call for a hero. Why choose me?”
    Tyrion rubs at the scar on his face. In R’yleh, the dwarf does not even rate as ugly—at least he is still human. “A hero couldn’t handle this,” he says.
    It is not the answer Jaime wants to hear. He realizes that he wanted his brother to tell him that he is a hero, or perhaps that nobody is. “Meaning?” he says.
    “The last thing you need in R’yleh is someone who is pure of heart,” Tyrion says. “It would break them like spun glass. You need someone who’s been soiled a bit. Kicked around. Someone who’s willing to shove a boy out of a tower window.”
    Jaime just stares at him.
    “The way I figure,” Tyrion says, grinning his horrible grin, “if you can make it back from between Cersei’s legs with your mind intact, you can handle pretty much anything. Behind you, brother.”
    Jaime whirls to face another of the lurching frog-like Deep Ones, and the battle is joined once again.
    -=-=-=-=-
    Jaime wonders if this is really a dream. Even in his most fevered imaginings, he does not think his mind could have conceived the horrors he and Tyrion witness along their path. Alien shapes that torture the mind by their presence shamble and ooze all around them. Some are creatures he must dispatch, facing their alien savagery with cold steel and all the skill he can muster. Some are too vast or strange to fight—grotesque Shantaks dangling from their perches, hideous Shoggoths that fill entire rooms like living ponds of filth—and these, Tyrion steers them around through the unspeakable maze of R’yleh. He has no sense of direction, other than that they are climbing, trying to reach the top of the spire.
    Heading towards the mad king, he thinks.
    Jaime senses the difference in this room the moment they cross the threshold. It is still strange to his eyes, built with a sensibility that far removed from the familiar styles of the Seven Kingdoms, yet it does have a natural order. All of R’yleh he has seen thus far has been like madness made solid, and he feels an inexpressible relief to be finally away from those wrenched corridors and sickening chambers.
    Tyrion waddles ahead of him into the room. It is mostly pentagonal, with not a single sharp angle in the columns, walls, or odd and inexplicable decorations. In the center of the room is a raised dais with a peculiar five-point symbol engraved on a platform of stone. Standing next to the platform is a great fire that crackles beneath a broad metal brazier. Jaime can feel the heat from across the room.
    Jaime staggers and casts off the ruined remains of his helmet. Most of his armor has been slashed, crumpled, or eaten away by the enemies he has faced. He examines his sword, caked with the revolting ichor of countless alien foes, and tries to wipe away their remains with what is left of his white Kingsguard cloak.
    “That’ll get you nowhere,” Tyrion says. “Best to burn off that gunk.”
    Jaime nodds and thrusts the sword into the fire. It is very hot—the gold plating will assuredly melt off. He can always get the ornamentation replaced. A Lannister never wants for gold.
    He wipes a smear of blood from his forehead and looks around. “What is this place?”
    “The sanctum of the Elder Race,” Tyrion says. “More ancient than man or gods. The closest thing we have to allies in this sorry mess.”
    Jaime heaves in a deep breath. “So where’s this king I’m supposed to slay?”
    Tyrion peers out from underneath his hood, his mismatched eyes boring into Jaime. “To slay? Not that I doubt your abilities, brother, but even I couldn’t bet on you in such a match. If you want a look at the king of madness, be my guest. Peer out that window over there, and look below us.”
    Jaime heads to an elliptical portal is recessed in the curving stone of the wall. Up close, he can see the pane is not glass, but a solid sheet of a translucent liquid held in place by some arcane force. Only the rain and darkness of the storm are visible. He leans in and presses against the pane, feels it flex, and then it gives. His head and shoulders penetrate the liquid pane, though none sticks to him, and he is looking outside at R’yleh.
    In the darkness of the storm, he can only see what is illuminated by flashes of lightning. It is a blessing that he is afforded no more than these brief glimpses. The tower has risen farther out of the water than he could have imagined. The churning surface of the sea is many hundreds of feet below him, perhaps thousands, and still no more than a portion of the great structure is visible. Yet other tall spires of R’yleh are starting to poke their way up above the surface, like tumors erupting from the skin of the sea. The vastness of the city beggars his imagination.
    Lightning forks across the sky and he looks directly below them.
    Jaime sees the king of madness.
    Only a portion of its head is visible. It is partially entombed in the tower, sleeping, dreaming. Its size is unthinkable. Power and malevolence radiate from it like a savage wind, tearing away at the gossamer shreds of Jaime’s mind. He sees rubbery flesh, a mass of tentacles… and worst of all, a vast eye that is barely beginning to open.
    Jaime’s heart thunders like the hoofbeats of a terrified horse. He cannot stop the scream from tearing itself out of his throat, and he throws himself back through the window, back into the chamber. For several long seconds, his mind is paralyzed by a horror that is primal and absolute. He screams so long that his lungs begin to burn for air, yet he cannot stop, cannot breathe, cannot bear to think about what he has just seen…
    A rough hand smacks him across the face, and he tumbles to the floor, the remains of his armor clattering against alien stone.
    Jaime sucks a huge breath of air into his lungs. He doubles over, his chest convulsing as with a fit of hacking. Though each cough is body-wracking agony, he relishes the pain, for it drives out the memory of the unspeakable thing he just glimpsed.
    “Are you well?” Tyrion asks. His hand is cocked back for another strike.
    Jaime nods weakly, heaving himself partially upright to sit with his back against the raised platform.
    “You’re certain?” Tyrion says. “I can hit you again if you like. Free of charge.”
    A feeble laugh splutters from Jaime’s lips. “One is sufficient,” he croaks. “This… king of yours. It’s a good deal bigger than Aerys.”
    “Well spotted.”
    “What is it?”
    Tyrion rubs at his scar. “One of the Great Old Ones. I’ll not name it, not here in this place.”
    With effort, Jaime hauls himself to his feet. “Time-consuming business to kill it, I expect.” His bravado sounds like a tin chime in his own ears. “Do you have another plan in mind?”
    “The Old One sleeps. If it awakens, everything’s over. What keeps it slumbering away the eons is the Elder Sign.” Tyrion gestures to the symbol engraved in the platform. “That. In order to keep that ugly squid-head in dreamland, you’ll need to renew the Elder Sign.”
    “Renew it?” Jaime gives the engraving a curious look. “Seems fine to me.”
    “Look closer.”
    Jaime bends over the platform, squinting at the symbol. For a long moment, he does not understand what he’s meant to see, until he catches sight of something gleaming within the deep furrow of the engraved lines, reflecting the firelight. He bends close and sees that it is flakes of gold scattered within the symbol. As he watches, he can see the fragmented gold remains crumpling and vanishing, like a slowed-down image of paper being eaten away in a fire.
    He understands. The engraving in the stone is not really the symbol. It is a mold.
    “Gold,” he says, his throat constricting.
    Tyrion nods. “Yes. Monetary wealth is the least important aspect of gold. Its true value is its spiritual purity. Alchemists and sorcerers everywhere prize its magical properties. There is power in gold. It is the only power that will serve to renew the Elder Sign.”
    Jaime looks down at his gleaming right hand, clenching it into a fist. It feels so good to be whole again. Better than whole—stronger than he has ever been. “There has to be another way.”
    “Oh, this should be interesting,” Tyrion says, crossing his arms.
    “We attack it in force,” Jaime says. “We kill it with Wildfire. Even that thing can’t survive…”
    Tyrion throws up his hands. “Can’t survive a bit of fire? Jaime, my dear dunderheaded brother, you have no idea what you’re dealing with here. You could have Aegon the Conqueror with a whole squadron of dragons and all the might of Old Valyria on your side, and you still couldn’t kill the Old One! The Elder Beings had weapons that could vaporize a world, and the best they could do is put it to sleep. If that thing awakens, then everything ends.
    Jaime gnashes his teeth and tries to think of something to say.
    “The Elder Sign is the only hope we have,” Tyrion says. “And it must be recast in gold.”
    “Damn it!” Jaime shouts. He reaches with his left hand and hauls his sword out of the fire. The flame has seared away the remains of the creatures he defeated, and the steel is clean. It pulses with red heat that he can feel through his gauntlet.
    He positions his golden hand above the brazier, his whole body quivering with fear and outrage. The sword hovers above his head, poised to strike. He stares at the golden fingers, flexing them, watching mesmerized as they shimmer in the light of the fire.
    “Bugger it all,” he snarls, and the blade descends.
    The pain is worse than he remembered. When the Bloody Mummers took his real hand, the shock was almost worse than the pain of the blow. This time, he has struck the severing blow himself, knowing full well what he was about to lose. It is infinitely worse.
    The hand falls into the brazier with a heavy clunk. The gold begins to soften in the heat almost immediately.
    Jaime falls to his knees clutching his stump, weeping uncontrollably. He does not care that he is crying like a woman. If Tyrion mocks him, he’ll smash the dwarf’s ugly face in. No man should be asked to do this, he thinks. The gods are cruel bastards.
    “Jaime,” Tyrion says, his voice low and sympathetic.
    “Leave me be,” Jaime gasps.
    “You must finish it,” Tyrion says. “The gold is ready to pour.”
    “Do it yourself.”
    “I can’t,” Tyrion says. “I’m just your guide. Mortal hands must do the work, Jaime. Come now. Finish the quest.”
    Jaime grits his teeth and pushes himself to his feet. The seared end of his stump is still sizzling, filling the air with the stench of cooked meat. He presses it against his body as he rises, holding on to consciousness through the waves of agony that batter against his mind. His left hand trembles as he tips the brazier, and he feels the heat spreading through his gauntlet. He does not know how long he will be able to do this.
    The molten gold flows as if it has a will of its own. It pours cleanly into deep grooves, gracefully spreading its luminous tendrils along the path carved by the Elder Beings. Within seconds, it has filled every inch of the mold.
    There is a loud snap, a feeling of intense cold, and the gold is solid again. The Elder Sign is remade.
    Jaime turns to Tyrion. His brother’s face has vanished beneath the hood of his grey cloak, with only his mismatched eyes still visible. He seems taller somehow, his legs not so twisted, so changed that he is almost a stranger. When he speaks, his voice resonates with distant echoes, as if half a dozen other speakers are whispering the same words.
    It is done. In his house at R’yleh, Cthulhu waits dreaming.
    The tower bucks violently. Jaime is thrown from his feet, yet Tyrion is unmoved. Jaime crashes against the wall and topples halfway out the window, through the liquid pane. Wind rips at his blonde hair and thunder explodes in his ears. It’s sinking, he thinks, seeing the churning mass below. Already, the head of Cthulhu has descended beneath the waves as R’yleh shudders and sinks into the ocean.
    Jaime scrambles for a handhold, but the pitching of the great spire tosses him about like a plaything. His left hand scrapes against smooth stone, and of course his right hand is gone. He shrieks as his body flies out the window, plummeting towards the frothing waves…
    … and he awakens in his sweat-soaked bed.
    -=-=-=-=-
    The captain of the Lannister guard finds him on the seaward battlements of Storm’s End, looking out over Shipbreaker Bay as dawn turns the sky to gold.
    “Quite the storm last night, my lord,” the captain says.
    “Yes,” Jaime agrees, not looking at the man. He is trying to remember a dream he had last night. It seemed so vivid at the time, yet the details are slipping out of his mind. He does not realize what a kindness it is that has lost the memory of the things he saw.
    The captain looks down at Jaime’s unadorned stump. “My lord,” he says, “your hand. It’s missing.”
    Jaime holds his right arm up and gives it a curious look. “Why, so it is. No wonder I had such trouble with my laces after my morning piss.”
    The captain’s face turns as crimson as his cloak. “I mean,” he stammers, “your gold hand. My lord. I thought… the servants in this bloody castle. If someone’s made off with it, we can round them up and…”
    Jaime gives a little shake of his head. “No, it’s fine. I got rid of it. The fit was poor.” He says this without realizing it is a lie. “I suppose I shall need another made. Alert the castle smith.”
    “Yes, my lord.” He turns, then pauses. “Shall you want the new one to be made of gold as well, my lord?”
    A snatch of Jaime’s dream returns to him. Its true value is its spiritual purity, says a stranger’s voice, someone he can almost recognize. He grins at the captain. “What else? I am a Lannister.”
    -=-=-=-=-
    AUTHOR’S NOTES
    Maybe I got carried away a little, but it’s no small task to think of how Jaime Lannister could defeat Cthulhu.
    Whether my attempted explanation for a Jaime victory moves you to vote for him probably depends on how you view this contest. If it is a straight “Who is more powerful” match you’re looking for, then the outcome is obvious. It is so obvious that it makes little sense to even vote. It’s like voting on whether or not a krill is larger than a humpback whale. There’s no matter of opinion to be weighed—the comparison is obvious.
    In short, of course Jaime Lannister could never beat Cthulhu in a fair fight.
    I think it makes the contest more interesting to think of it as a chance to tell a story. My goal was to be true to the source material for both characters. Dream quests are a part of the Lovecraftian mythology, as are most of the elements I used in the tale (the bit about the gold Elder Sign is my own embellishment). Dream visions also show up prominently in “A Song of Ice and Fire.” The divine helpers who aid Jaime are in keeping with George R. R. Martin’s gods, who act through mortal agents. And if the Seven won’t step up to help keep Cthulhu down, what good are they?
    And nothing in the contest rules says that Cthulhu has to be fully awake. Or that he has to be “killed” in order to be defeated.
    So, my thanks to the folks at Suvudu for putting together this contest. I don’t know if my story will influence the outcome of the vote, but I had a good time writing it, and that alone has made it worth the effort for me.
    —Grayson Towler

  2. DiapDealer
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    More funny… less length.

  3. Bill
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    *eyes Grayson suspiciously*
    Touche, my good man.

  4. JR
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Cthulhu would pretty much ignore Jaime even if some limbs got hacked off. Jaime is used to madness (i.e. battle madness, his sister / crazy lover), I see Jaime hacking off at least one limb before Cthulhu disappears to some other dimension. Jaime is slightly crazier than before and Cthulhu loses a limb. Lannister wins.

  5. stormcrow
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Dude, Cthulu is going to lose to Jaime Lannister? WTF?! Next year fat pathetic goth chicks are excluded from voting.

  6. Stable boy
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    HODOR!

  7. Estelindis
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime.
    At first glance, it seems as thought Cthulhu could only win. If one can destroy the other’s mind, the body hardly presents an issue.
    However, it should be remembered that Jaime served the mad king Aerys for years, and found a way to cope with the horrors he saw – and then to kill the king, something no one would ever have expected (this was the man he was sworn to protect). He compartmentalised the horror and insanity in one part of his mind and kept it locked away so that the rest of him could do what had to be done. I think this should definitely come to play with Cthulhu.
    One should also bear in mind that Jaime wouldn’t be riled by Cthulhu’s mention of throwing a child out the window. In the most recent book, Jaime threatened to launch a baby by trebuchet. He has regained some of his honour, but he’s not above using his image to inspire fear. He might be bitter that people so easily believe him capable of what he threatens – but, if it makes them comply, then it’s useful.

  8. Jirsh
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Nicely done. That story was enough to convince me.

  9. Apollo
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    …I’m not sure you captured the correct audience there, stormcrow.

  10. Frank
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “stormcrow | March 17, 2010 12:21 PM | Reply
    Dude, Cthulu is going to lose to Jaime Lannister? WTF?! Next year fat pathetic goth chicks are excluded from voting.”
    Well hell, someone has to stop Cthulhu, or he’ll just stomp the heads of everyone else in this silly contest. With him and Aslan out of the running, it might become interesting again.
    P.S. I’m not fat, pathetic, goth, or a chick.
    P.P.S. Insulting people isn’t funny, it’s lame.

  11. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Oh, come on!
    I love “A Song of Ice and Fire”, Martin is my favorite writer (and very cool person, too), but please!
    Jaime CAN NOT defeat Cthulhu! No human character from Westeros can! Martin’s characters are too fragile! Yes, that’s exactly why we love his books – Martin would never wrote about Jaime defeating Cthulhu.
    They aren’t even the same weight class!

  12. Citizen
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Another alternative, in the spirit of Grayson’s post. Cthulhu must die.
    Scene: “Cthulhu’s Universe”
    Jaime finds himself in stark, unfamiliar surroundings. In the distance, a mountain-sized something that somewhat resembles a squid that has eaten the earth’s supply of steroids begins to stir. Although Jaime is a veteran of many battles, and has witnessed much brutality, some of it by his own hand, even he begins to feel squeamish.
    Jaime: I really miss my hand about now.
    (To his left, a stable suddenly materializes. Its door opens; standing behind it is the largest lion Jaime has ever seen, much less heard of, with the spark of preternatural intelligence in its eyes).
    Aslan: Lion of Lannister, come through this door quickly. The fate of the world depends upon it.
    (Given the choice of death by lion vs. megalithic squid, Jaime passes through the door. Having done so, he is shocked to find himself on an altogether pleasant hillside in spring, with flowers blooming and lambs softly bleating).
    Jaime: You must be Aslan, I saw your name in the lists. I thought that the bracket structure was part of the Deeper Magic, and beyond your power to transcend.
    Aslan: My defeat at the hands of Kvothe drove me further up and further in. In my journey, I discovered that while the seeding is of the Deeper Magic, my ability to travel between worlds extends to crossing brackets, so long as I do not advance thereby. You could think of it as an “Even Deeper Magic”.
    Jaime: You should meet my brother, Tyrion. Strangely, the two of you might get along, as long as you can overlook the fact that he no longer has a nose.
    Aslan: Appearances are irrelevant to me, belief is all that matters. In any case, it is Time. TIME, I say.
    (Cthulhu begins devouring the world on the other side of the door. Mountain ranges collapse, oceans drain, and stars fall. A strong, cold wind blows through the door.)
    Aslan: Heir of Casterly Rock, Knight of the Kingsguard, and quasi-voluntary Protector of Brienne, you must shut the door.
    Jaime: But it would take two hands to turn that massive knob.
    Aslan: Nevertheless.
    (Jaime manages to use his golden hand together with his human hand in ratchet fashion to turn the knob, and slams his body against the door multiple times, finally succeeding in closing it. Cthulhu completely devours what is now an isolated world, and Aslan’s power closes the deal: Cthulhu and his universe are no more).
    Aslan: You have shown faith. Also, although you knew it not, I am the true Lion of the Lannisters, and you have served me well. Go forth now, and conquer in my name. And leave the lambs alone, as they also are a part of me.
    (Aslan breathes on Jaime’s golden hand, and lo and behold, it is restored to normal human form).
    Jaime looks hungrily at the lambs, and then at his restored hand, and chooses to advance.

  13. Joey
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I think for this one it doesn’t matter who ‘would’ win, its damn right unfair for Cthulhu to be in this contest, the only way hes going to lose is if the fans say “ehhhh…lets not let that happen.” Which I’m very happy they are. This contest should be about the most powerful character, not the most powerful dark entity. If Jaime beats him, the winner of this contest will actually be interesting to see, instead of a foregone conclusion.

  14. JJ
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I dunno…maybe Jaime can sail a boat into Cthulhu’s face? Seemed to work for the other dude.

  15. dpomerico
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I don’t think that’s true, though. There are a number of god-killer characters in this fight left, including Raistlin, Rand, Drizzt, and Kvothe. The Shrike wouldn’t be affected by Cthulhu, and characters like Polgara, Ged, Temeraire, and Dumbledore all bring something to the table that might give them a chance.
    In fact, the only two characters in this bracket that would have “no chance”–if we’re being “realistic”–would be Aragorn and Jaime.
    That said, it will be interesting if the voting shows that.

  16. Balerion
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime can’t lose… He has a very good motivation. He can finally get rid of that annoying “Kingslayer” nickname, becoming a “Godslayer”.
    Think of the White Book with such a winning fight described.

  17. Joe Shlemiel
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    That first long post was really gay. I just felt obligated to say something.

  18. amen-ra
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I don’t think that anyone except save the Shrike would have a chance against that thing, however It is plausible for Jamie to win in a since because the being we speak of does not care for such things. Whats is the entities motivation. to win a tournament. to kill Jamie. Doubtful. Jamie could slice it up a little. Kluthu or whatever its name is would lose interest because Jamie is already mad. Dont think the thing should have been put in the tournament to begin with.

  19. pale corbie
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Hey Grayson, you published? I’ve never seen Lovecraftian Nasty-witnessing madness done so well.

  20. jackie
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime.
    Cthulu = boring & predictable fights. We should have voted him/it out in round 1.

  21. Dierks
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Here’s to a Jaime Lannister-Rand al’Thor One handed swordsman Gimp Fight!

  22. a.dent
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime has beaten parts of Chtulhu already in his head. Following the character in the books he`s right on his way out of the dark.
    At least, Chtulhu sucks. I`d never read a book where he kills all my favourite characters. So in this book I wan to read : Jaime wins.

  23. lakesidey
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime was enjoying the warm breezes of the Southern coast, his only companion a bottle of Dornish red. He wondered idly where Tyrion was – it had been 5 years since he had last seen him. He really ought to hunt him down and kill him, now that he could fight left-handed – after all, a Lannister always pays his debts!
    A sudden cold wind teased his golden locks, and a shiver passed down his spine. The Stark words, “Winter is coming”, rose unbidden to his mind. He looked out to sea and frowned – there was some kind of whirlpool forming and something – a tentacle? – popped out.
    The next thing he knew, a creature of delirium was looming vast over him. A tentacle of incredible proportions reached for him. He rose unsteadily to his feet (too much wine, he’d been drinking too much since Cersei’s death, he really ought to get over that sometime soon) and cried out irritably “What means this? Have I outlived the Mountain that Rides only to be bested by the Mountain that Swims? Have at thee, monster!”
    A cold, inhuman voice rumbled in his head, a voice befitting that giant eye which turned his blood cold: “Kingslayer, it is written in the stars that we must do battle this day, and only one of us shall see the morrow. Die!”
    Well, he was tired of life anyway. Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, as befitted a Kingsguard knight. “You’re on!” he screamed at the monster, brandishing his sword – only to watch in horror as it was plucked contemptuously from his hand by a slimy tentacles, the Valyrian steel already corroding from the foul secretions.
    He backed away, trying to think of anything which he might use as a weapon. But there was only the tentacle, descending towards him, and the keening wail of triumph and death, entering his mind, driving him slowly insane.
    And….another sound? A deep moaning call, echoed by many voices “Euron…..Euron….who is it that calls in the name of Euron? We come to thy aid, brother!”
    He watched with disbelieving eyes as a veritable army of krakens rose from the deep and attacked his opponent. A mighty battle ensued, but sheer numbers prevailed and the Old One was soon dragged down for good, threshing and screaming, leaving a soaked a disheveled (but alive) Jamie on the shore.
    The last thought he had before fainting was “I’m going to need another sword. Where’d the damn wench go….?”

  24. DeadAngel
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    well this is a surprise.
    I Do not see why people want to take out Cthulu. Yes he is powerful, but not undefeatable.
    I expected cthulu to survive this because while i enjoyed the story, Jaime should not win this f%^&ign whole competition based on the fact that he is popular and not as strong as anyone else.
    cthulu is one of the godly charachters but i could easily see him losing in the quarter finals to Aslan/Raistlin whichever wins that bracket. if he gets passed them which i am not sure he would than he would be taken out by Althor/the Shrike…
    I mean i agree that there should be two cage matches one for the ridiculously overpowered characters like Althor, Raistlin Aslan cthulu ect… and another for people like Jaime,Arragon, hermoine ect….

  25. The Mad Arab
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    You people do know that Cthulhu is roughly the size of a mountain, yes? An actual mountain, not Gregor Clegane. Jaime would hack off his limbs with what, the Death Star? Hey, I love ASoIaF. I even found out about this tournament through GRRM’s blog. But at least I’ve read the characters I’m voting for/against. Jaime has literally no chance here.
    And everybody that was whining about the Shrike when he was losing to Drizzt should keep themselves out of this or vote Cthulhu. Buncha hypocrites. For every person whining about Cthulhu being unfair, that should be one more vote against half the characters on this list. Without the Gods/Uberwizards on here we’d be down to a free-for-all between Conan, Drizzt, Garet Jax, Aragorn, and Arthur Dent.
    Let me at least get a good chuckle out of Cthulhu scraping the self-righteous Aslan off his gigantic foot before you vote him off unceremoniously, will you? Way too much lion love lately.

  26. Caligula_K
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Sorry Jaime, I love you, man, and you’re one of my favourite characters, but Cthulhu is kind of Cthulhu.

  27. JR
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Who ever said the limbs had to be lost in one hack? And it’s not like Jaime is defeating Cthulhu, that’d be absurd. But in the encounter I imagine, he doesn’t lose any limbs either.

  28. Caidh
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Yes – realisticly Jaime would have no chance. But – having read Lovecraft & Martin I can say though Cthulhu is more powerful.. its boring. Where’s the fun in the fights that could happen between it and all the other characters here?
    Honestly in a one on one the only character here with a chance would probably be Rand with the Choedan’Kal (lets assume its before he destroyed it), or Raistlin (he did defeat Takhisis on his own).
    Roland, Polgara, or Ged might be able to with time to prepare due to sheer ingenuity.
    Even so – as I said. Cthulhu is boring. Lets move on.

  29. Azza
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    While we’re at it, why don’t we just add Galactus to this competition?

  30. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    @pale corbie
    Thanks. I’m working on that getting published part. Glad you enjoyed the madness stuff in this piece.

  31. Johnny Tindalos
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime would kick one of Cthulhu’s tentacles into his ravening maw and thus trick Cthulhu into eating himself.
    (Raistlin will end up overlord of a sere and barren ruin of Reality at the end of this anyway, so it won’t actually make any difference.)

  32. Shannon
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Agreed. Cthulhu’s dull as hell.
    Bye, Cap’n Calimari.

  33. Celeblin
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I’ll be honest, while I like Jaime, I just really don’t want Cthulhu in this damn contest. Undefeatable, not undefeatable, I’ve just been Cthulhu’d out. If I have one more guy interject into a conversation I’m having at my local game store with “Well Cthulhu could beat both of them.” I’m going to lose it. So I’m not being so fair and impartial on this one.

  34. Amen-Ra
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I voted for the Shrike to vivasection that elf Drizzt. I am familiar with the Shrike and I am familiar with Jamie Lanister. I don’t see how Jamie could win…… Unless. Maybe Jamies borrowed Valarian Steel Sword does not agree with this Chtluthu creature. I have not read the book and I do not know enough about the character. Valarian Steel is powerful and made of old magic though. Perhaps this is the key to Chtluthu’s undoing. Morning bright Mountain would crush them all. Good thing he is not in it.

  35. Tal
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Tbh, I was considering voting for Cthulhu, though I too have found the rabid fanboys really making me want to find some way Jaime could win. Not having found anything, though, I was kinda/sorta going to vote for him.
    After reading “The Dream Quest” comment, though, I have to say: Grayson, you have converted me. Completely. The image of Jaime Lannister, standing sword in hand before the mast, sailing straight into the mouth of R’lyeh…that much awesomeness is simply undeniable.

  36. The Jaguar
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    If anyone doesn’t see a way that Jaime could win this fight, despite the fact that at this point in time he is doing so with a 60-40 lead, just watch Clash of the Titans.
    Jaime could beat Medusa. Jaime could take Medusa’s head. Jaime could give Cthulu head, Medusa’s head.

  37. Timothy
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    We find Ser Jaime Lannister in the Suvudu Locker Rooms after handily dispatching one Hermione Granger.
    Sitting on a bench, Jaime Lannister absently straps on his shin guard. “They say this Cthulhu is a god, or as near to it as we man shall ever witness,” says Jaime to Ilyn Payne. Rising from his seat, Jaime draws his sword. “How does a man, a crippled man at that, kill a god?” The only answer is a rasp of warning from Payne. As Jaime whirls to face the danger, he sees that Payne is being held by two men dressed in black robes and silver masks. Each man has some sort of wooden stick jammed against the sides of Payne’s neck.
    As Jaime brings his sword around, more robed men appear all around him. Out of the darkness a voice hisses, “Expelliarmus!” Which causes the sword to be torn from Jaime’s hand. Stepping from the darkness is He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The Dark Lord, Voldemort. “They say a Lannister always pays his debts,” mused Voldemort. “However, I find myself indebted to a Lannister. I will not have it said that I am not a gracious Lord, so I shall repay this debt to you. You shall witness how a TRUE GOD dispatches creatures from the black.”
    As the men turn to shadows and vanish, Jaime and Payne are left in the Locker Rooms alone.
    The Lion of Lannister begins to smile.

  38. Tim
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “Without the Gods/Uberwizards on here we’d be down to a free-for-all between Conan, Drizzt, Garet Jax, Aragorn, and Arthur Dent.”
    That sounds…incredibly fun, actually. Why didn’t we do that? Not that all the gods/mages/etc are bad charries, per se, but they’re just too hard to predict for the most part. I mean, does anyone know what Aslan, Cthulhu, or Kvothe can actually pull off? The full extent, I mean?
    I certainly don’t, and I’ve read all three…

  39. Jim
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    pffffft… This match has nothing to do with “rabid fanboys”…. Has everything to do with a bit of sensibility. If Cthulhu doesn’t win this it could THEN be attributed to “rabid fanboys”. That said, I’d surely like to think someone can dispatch this being – I just don’t think it happens this Round.
    No? Well, okay, then… let’s just take a quick peek at this résumé:
    * The greatest swordsman of his age
    no small accomplishment for a mortal!
    * Golden hair, flashing green eyes, killer smile (18 Charisma)
    Seriously? An advantage? I can’t help but think that Cthulhu cares not a bit.
    * Has no qualms about murdering and/or crippling children
    Worked out quite well for Jaime in Round 1, but need I remind anyone Cthulhu isn’t a child? Additionally, if being cold and unfeeling is to be considered an advantage, I must point out that Cthulhu is far and beyond any human comprehension of “heartless”, so this can’t be counted as much of an “advantage”.
    * Missing his sword hand
    Bummer. Sorta plays hell with that “greatest swordsman of his age” thing, doesn’t it?
    Alright, to be fair (which is what the voting may or may not be, I dunno), Cthulhu might be defeated — by someone/something — but quite probably not in this match. the mountainous being would see Jaime Lannister as little more than the annoyance of a buzzing gnat… Surely “Cthulhu yawned and destroyed the knight’s mind. For good measure, the dark god knelt on his head, popping it like an arrogant zit.” cannot be considered far-fetched. Which is somewhat of a shame, because I’m really not comfortable with the idea that elder beings can just wander in and out of our reality on a whim and do whatever they please.
    Too bad about that bar tab, though, Cthulhu…

  40. TC
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    You mean, next year, George R. R. Martin shouldn’t post a link to the contest on his personal blog, so that a large new body of fans all hear about suduvu for the first time, then come and participate? You’re totally right. Clearly suduvu should scorn the support and interest of the actual authors of the genres they focus on. It’s totally unfair and ruins your nerdy arguments about what would really happen when two fictional characters do battle to the death. Yeah, suduvu being promoted by GRRM sucks sooooo much. The actual authors who create this stuff should obvious bugger off so we can be realistic here.

  41. Tal
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “This match has nothing to do with “rabid fanboys”
    No, no, I agree. But in my defense, I wasn’t talking about this fight at all, just referring to the fact that, in general, I wished I could think of a way Jaime could win…b/c I, personally, find Cthulhu fans particularly irritating for some reason. I don’t know why they should be worse than Lannister fans, or Drizzt fans, or Conan fans…but they are. They totally are. Every time Cthulhu is mentioned, you’re asking for a comment served up with extra smugness to come rolling down the line. I’m sure it’s not all Cthulhu fans, but…on here, elsewhere, I can say the name “Cthulhu” and, guaranteed, SOMEBODY will start talking about R’lyeh and the Great Old Ones, like it’s an actual religion. Give me plain old Kvothe, where someone can just say “that was a good book, wasn’t it?” and leave it be…
    Just my opinion.

  42. Scurveymic
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Screw it, the only thing in this competetion that will be cthulu is rabid fanboys. i doubt jaime would win this real fight, then again i doubt aslan would either, lets stop cthulu here, and i’m about to go cast my vote against aslan as well, and bring this competetion to terms a little bit

  43. TC
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    by the by – I do think Cthulhu would win easily this route and the whole contest, except possibly if the final bracket was him vs. Aslan (”other god-figure”.) I did vote for Cthulhu because I’m being a silly geek like that and actually thinking out the theory. I’m just calling stormcrow an idiot for acting shocked though that that SOME of the 8,000 other people who came here via grrm.livejournal.com remained loyal to Jamie.
    Dude, if J.K. Rowling had picked up on this and posted a link to it on some blog of hers, every other character would be toast between two of hers.

  44. MAB
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Why do people insist it should be a fair mano a mano fight? Against Cthulhu such things does not exist. This does not mean he should win.
    As a matter of fact, and in true spirit of Lovecraftian work, this could be the story a mad and horrific quest spearhead by the Lion of Lannister in which he’ll blackmail at sword point any Maester or Blood Maegi he can find into finding a way to seal anew the Great Old One before it awakes!
    To Jaime goes my vote, it makes a much more interesting story then Cthulhu simply waking driving people mad and destroying the universe.

  45. JJDownes
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I agree with Stormcrow, If jaime Lannister wins it will be the stupedest (not a word i know) victory ever (incidentaly i voted for Lannister :D ). However if Aslan goes out and Cthulu goes out we actually have a competition on our hands!
    Also my favourite scenario so far well done Suvudu :D

  46. Malleus Apostle
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Cthulu forgets that Jaime doe3s not believe in him. Hell, Jaime barely believes in the Seven. And belief is power. But in this instance, no belief in Cthulu.

  47. insomniacbob
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    the first post definitely gets some props, you put a fair deal of thought into all of this where the contest runners did not. there are a lot of gods at work in both of these stories and doubt anyone facing cthulhu would be doing so alone, nor do I think that it would be in straightforward conventional means. the forces of these worlds would exert themselves against eachother and it’s very feasible that jaime would be a worthy psuedo general in said exertion of force. if I had to pick anyone to face off against this elder god it would probably raistlin, based on sheer force of will, knowledge, power, and suicidal drive to become the best no matter the cost. Raistin can match the most powerful wizards, but he also remembers his roots. He would not face a god head on, but force it into a place where it is weaker. Cthulhu would have no reason to fear just about anything and this sureness is an opening. if anyone could acquire the tools to destroy or lock cthulhu away it would be him.
    greyson opened the doors by coming up with a way that cthulhu could be dealt with. there will be other similar ways we could envision.
    I myself don’t have a clear way in my mind for jaime or any of the other characters to defeat cthulhu, but on the same token I think that the means to defeat him would present themselves in a fantasy. the ultimate evil is not faced head very often. destiny finds an opening, a dim light to keep the darkness at bay.
    I think cthulhu should be overcome but I don’t think that jaime would be the one to do it, but I think there are reasonable arguments he’s a reasonable choice.
    I’m going to withhold my vote on this race, letting it take it’s course as small a difference as i could make. should cthulhu advance i will further withhold my vote.
    for the others feel free to find justification, cthulhu will be defeated, it’s for you to find the way

  48. Kyhkaen
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “Here’s to a Jaime Lannister-Rand al’Thor One handed swordsman Gimp Fight!”
    Haha, best comment in here. They definitely should’ve been in the same bracket, because even Jaime beating Cthulhu would mean he has to beat Polgara…

  49. insomniacbob
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    the first post definitely gets some props, you put a fair deal of thought into all of this where the contest runners did not. there are a lot of gods at work in both of these stories and doubt anyone facing cthulhu would be doing so alone, nor do I think that it would be in straightforward conventional means. the forces of these worlds would exert themselves against eachother and it’s very feasible that jaime would be a worthy psuedo general in said exertion of force. if I had to pick anyone to face off against this elder god it would probably raistlin, based on sheer force of will, knowledge, power, and suicidal drive to become the best no matter the cost. Raistin can match the most powerful wizards, but he also remembers his roots. He would not face a god head on, but force it into a place where it is weaker. Cthulhu would have no reason to fear just about anything and this sureness is an opening. if anyone could acquire the tools to destroy or lock cthulhu away it would be him.
    greyson opened the doors by coming up with a way that cthulhu could be dealt with. there will be other similar ways we could envision.
    I myself don’t have a clear way in my mind for jaime or any of the other characters to defeat cthulhu, but on the same token I think that the means to defeat him would present themselves in a fantasy. the ultimate evil is not faced head very often. destiny finds an opening, a dim light to keep the darkness at bay.
    I think cthulhu should be overcome but I don’t think that jaime would be the one to do it, but I think there are reasonable arguments he’s a reasonable choice.
    I’m going to withhold my vote on this race, letting it take it’s course as small a difference as i could make. should cthulhu advance i will further withhold my vote.
    for the others feel free to find justification, cthulhu will be defeated, it’s for you to find the way

  50. Meatbit
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    It’s funny that people will read a fiction book, in which some lowly hero (often with no particular powers of any kind) is capable of defeating some extraordinarily powerful villain in the most unlikely of scenarios, but at the same time are unwilling to concede a similar outcome in a ridiculously outlandish “cage-match” – where two completely incompatible fictional universes miraculously combine – that for reasons unfathomable to even his hugeness Cthulhu, must remain absolutely, 100%, ‘factually’ accurate with the most plausible outcome occurring without fail every time.
    A Jaimie vs Cthulhu story is the very thing epic stories are made of, and if that in some way diminishes Jaimie’s chances, then you clearly were not paying attention when Frodo & Sam managed to toss the one ring into the fires of Mount Doom.
    The greater the odds against a hero and the more likely they are to succeed. Call it the inverse law of fictional storytelling. Don’t let the phrase “cage-match” fool you. If Jaimie squared off against Cthulhu in a 1000 page epic novel, his chances of victory are no less than Frodo’s or every other hero faced with a seemingly unstoppable adversary. Just because Jaimie doesn’t have Cthulhu’s version of the one-ring on hand, doesn’t mean he couldn’t find it if given the chance.

  51. Citizen
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Nice post meatbit, and I would add that it is simply way more fun to come up with ways for Jaime to win than simply going “squish”. Clearly, Jaime would need help, and people have posted several ways for that to happen. I hope to read more of them, and to send Cthulhu back to R’lyeh for a very, very long nap.

  52. Jim
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Clearly Cthulhu had already driven the folks here at suduvu quite mad, for they bowed to the temptation to disturb its slumber, and now… well, now what they have is a real problem with finding a way to put the abominable thing back to rest without it stomping on their heads, too…
    But, Cthulhu???? Really… what chance do MOST of these contestants stand against it?
    If this was only to be a popularity contest, then why not just dump all these characters into a single pool and say “Vote for your favorite”? If, however, it’s to be presented as a Cage Match, then the voting should be based on the most likely outcome of an actual confrontation.
    You just don’t mix and match bantamweights with heavyweights in an organized competition and expect a “fair” fight (”entertaining” fight, perhaps, for that it may be in witnessing David crushed or Goliath felled, uh… depending on one’s exact position on the bully/underdog scale).
    One means of solving this dilemma might be to make this a double-elimination contest. If this doesn’t seem like such a good idea then, perhaps, subsequent cage matches might be designed around “weight” brackets, so we could have a Heavyweight Champ of the Multiverse, and a Middleweight and Bantamweight, etc…
    Otherwise, if there are to be four Divisions at the start of the competition, then each of these Divisions should contain combatants spread in such a way as to make each of the Divisions relatively equal in strength/power. As accurate as it was for Ged to hand Edward Cullen his teeth in a 92% to 7% humiliation, I’d much rather see a well-matched, down-to-the-wire match – which means opponents should be seeded a bit lopsided early (as it appears they were), to provide greater likelihood of more even matches in the later rounds. But s*** happens, y’know, and weird quirks will throw off even the best “seeding” estimates. Elric went down for the count early – with barely a whisper in Round One – but that’s because he wasn’t matched against the dozen or more contestants that easily would have died writhing as Stormbringer fed on their shrieking souls… Elric was the projected winner of the match, but failed 45% to Roland’s 54% (in an outcome that is difficult to attribute to anything vaguely akin to rabidfanboyism). But what if that hadn’t happened?
    Hmmmm… I wonder if Elric’s sword would implode and form a singularity while trying to feast on the absence of a soul in Cthulhu?
    Hmmmm (again)… Perhaps Arthur Dent would look that up in his Guide sometime…
    Aaaanyway, all I’m really asking for is some measure of plausibility here (oh good grief, I know, in an implausible format), and a chance for everyone to see these matches take shape in a believable(?) way. And the only way for that to happen is to avoid turning this into a vote for the Homecoming Queen.
    And, please, someone… find a truly believable way to dispatch Cthulhu, for I desperately fear that Cthulhu is the Wookiee of this Cage Match… and you know what’s been said: “I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.” And that’s just not sporting, either.

  53. Lexington Nerdington
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Really guys. I mean I love Jaime as much as the rest of you, but come on. There is little to no magic in the Martin series, and Jaime has never seen any of it. Plus he is missing a hand and his combat abilities are shit at best! It is mother fucking CTHULHU. People go insane and commit suicide just by looking at him. I mean really!

  54. Elis
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    For those who are saying that it’s obvious Cthulhu (and beings such as Cthulhu) would win… you’re probably right.
    In which case, why even BOTHER with any of this.
    It’s for FUN. And if it’s for fun, I’m going to go with the FUN result, not the ‘obvious’ one. Because if it’s that obvious, there’s no point in having these cage matches AT ALL.

  55. Ummmm
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Has anyone else wondered how Cthulhu would be able to fit into a bar?
    Inb4fridgelogic

  56. Snag
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I don’t know that I necessarily buy his victory over Hermione, (the range of the start point would have told the tale), but I’ll roll with it. The fans have spoken.
    Now, given the parameters, and George’s supposition that the contestants have time to prepare, I think at the very least, Cthulhu would be subdued and sent back to sleep. He’s got Tyrion helping him, after all. And that little bastard knows Cthulhu’s friggin’ social security number.
    At worst, he’s got even odds. If Tyrion is worth his pint-sized salt, then Jamie’s got an edge.

  57. pale corbie
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Considering Cthulhu may or may not be dead already, existing in a boxed-cat impossibly-solid shape as he does – “as with dread aeons even death may die” and all that – and Lovecraft’s emphasis on the power of dreamers (I believe Nyarlhotep or some similar gibbering cosmic horror was foiled by one), I find the outlined scenario perfectly reasonable, and a vote for Jaime after reading it a rose thrown to a worthy performance by itinerant author and char-actors alike.
    Cthulhu won’t mind – he’s asleep. Possibly. This contest’d be dull if all the occasional Goliath didn’t trip over a pebble (now we just need to get rid of the Shrike and the fate of the finals will be random to yayness).

  58. Tush Hog
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Check out Martin’s version
    http://grrm.livejournal.com/
    Great stuff! I vote for Jaime and his version.

  59. Blaineo
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    For GRRM’s version read here: http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html

  60. objectsession
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    George R. R. Martin posted his interpretation again: http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html
    And I’m convinced (although I already voted for Cthulhu). Of course Jaime would lose to Cthulhu, but the scenario is plausible. And was fun to read/imagine, which is really how i’m thinking of these cage matches: everyone votes based on the scenario they choose to imagine. Whichever opponent gets the most votes is the one that gets a winning scenario.
    of course, having the author present a story gives their character a big advantage, but that seems fair to me.

  61. P
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    This cage match made me cheer for one of the most evil characters in modern literature.
    Go Jaime!
    Goddamnit

  62. Citizen
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    GRRM’s version is actually plausible, although some of ours are more fun.

  63. Technomad
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Personally, if I were Jaime, I’d want to head for the Iron Islands and get the Damphair. This is more his sort of thing.

  64. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Sorry for the off-topic comment, but anyone having hell trying to load Suvudu in Firefox? It keeps redirecting me to the Movable Type sign-in page, then spitting out an error when I sign in. Site loads in IE8, but with errors.

  65. James
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I do not want want to vote for either of them. Ones evil the other make this contest boring.

  66. Raven
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    First, people need to stop saying Jaime is evil. He definitely changed a lot after he lost his hand, and his separation from Cersei at the end of a Feast For Crows (where he refuses to come to her aid) can attest to that.
    He did some bad things, but remember, he had reasons for them. If you don’t know the reasons, read the books; I won’t ruin it for you.
    Furthermore, George R.R. Martin’s scenario is plausible…depending on when this takes place. If this does in fact take place when Jaime only has one hand, then Tyrion won’t be able to help him.
    Jaime lost his hand and was then delivered to King’s Landing. At this point in time, Tyrion was in prison (or he was placed in prison shortly after, my memory’s a bit fuzzy). Then, Tyrion ran off…so really, there isn’t a great expanse of time in which Jaime and Tyrion could have met up for a research section….unless George R.R. Martin is hinting at the fact that they both survive the entirety of A Song of Ice and Fire….God Willing.
    Nevertheless, I stick by Martin’s solution. Chthulhu is far too powerful, and for those people that want to take him down but have reason to do it…here’s your chance.

  67. Cap'n Shatpants
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    What the hell was that first post? Jesus. What total garbage.
    Anyway, I like GRRM’s mini-story on his Not A Blog. He says Jamie wins because Cthulhu doesn’t wake up. I agree with him.

  68. scott
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    First of all, the “Dreamquest of the Kingslayer” is the the winningest win in the history of win. If I wasn’t on this site because of GRRM in the first place, that story would have sealed the deal. MUCH better written than the one Suvudu provided.
    Also, GRRM’s version makes a LOT more sense than Cthulu and Jaime sitting in a bar. Cthulu needs to be awakened, so all Jaime has to do is kill the people trying to summon him. The Lion of Lannister wins, piece of cake.
    Though I’m still pulling for Aslan.

  69. awibs
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    GRRM’s solution was the same general idea of what a lot of people were suggesting all along, including with round 1 against Lyra. It’s about the same amount of plausible with any human character (including traditional Lovecraftian protagonists) that they can at least get by for the rest of their incredibly short mortal lives by keeping the Ancient ones asleep. Jaime actually is rather dramatically appropriate, as he is a “has truly seen the horror of reality and is very disillusioned” sort of character.
    Not the original arrogant prick Jaime that everyone keeps calling evil, but the obvious-use-of-classical-literary-technique later Jamie who this IS – no longer “pretty” (hair shaved off, bushy beard Cersei hates) emasculated and made useless (by loss of hand) forced to develop a personality and grow up (looking down on Loras as himself at 17.) It’s a masterful execution of every obvious symbolism GRRM could possibly squeeze in there to indicate that this Jaime has changed. His near-despair disillusionment with mankind and with existence yet trying to redeem it and himself anyway (Oathkeeper, Tyrion) even though he knows his efforts are probably futile actually makes him a pretty good candidate for a Lovecraftian protagonist.
    Plausibility notwithstanding, without H.P. Lovecraft alive to defend himself, GRRM’s entertaining little fluff post becomes the closest thing we have to “canon,” so, I think I have to change my vote to Jaime.

  70. Jeff
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    he did this very thing on his “not a blog” page of his main site.

  71. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I was betting on Cthulu until I read George Martin’s rebuttal
    http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html
    He convinced me

  72. Johnny Tindalos
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    This contest caused GRRM to write ASOIAF/Cthulhu crossover fic.
    That might be as awesome as Harry Dresden raising and riding his own zombie T-rex.

  73. Evan
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I can’t help but notice that in GRRM’s little writeups, Tyrion seems to do as much of the winning as Jaime, if not more. The Imp would appear to be Jaime’s single greatest asset.
    Well, I confess, I did not expect to see Jaime making a fight of this one, much less winning. GRRM does put forward a pretty good argument though, and Grayson Towler’s piece is brilliant. So… guess it’s Jaime versus Raistlin next. This ought to be a good one!

  74. Evan
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Er, my mistake – Jaime versus Polgara next. Well, it still ought to be a good fight.

  75. Sally Shears (augmented featherweight; how come I wasn't invited to this shindig?)
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Look, this Jaime can take this superconducting quantum interference god thing, he’s way ahead already.
    Let him. Nobody else will, apart from maybe the guy with the hourglass implants, or that Japanese robot thing.
    Let Jaime win. Then make sure he gets a flechette in the brain next.

  76. Beastly
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Oh Cthulthu is so much more than a walking mountain. Cthulhu is the very embodiment of despair. When Cthulhu rises, vainglorious humanity is shown to be merely an insignificant blip on the real history of the universe. It is the full understanding of this hideous truth that brings madness, that causes Jamie (who, although no stranger to despair with the loss of his sword hand, never realised, as no mortal could realise and stay sane, how astronomically deep that pit could sink) to thank the uncaring gods that he still possesses one hand to rip out his eyes when Cthuhu’s bulk rises before him in its vast and horrible splendour.
    So let’s hope it doesn’t rise then. Despite GRRM’s great take on the subject, I primarily ended up voting for Jamie because to do otherwise would be to spurn Grayson Towler’s excellent story. Confronted with that, I am simply unable to follow the dictates of reason.

  77. Leslie
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    The only ways I see Jaime winning this is if things go exactly how G.R.R. Martin puts it. Unless he’s disqualified for killing the priests trying to wake up Cthulhu.
    I wonder though, if wildfire would catch Cthulhu’s attention.

  78. Thalan
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    When Cthulu and Jamie sit down for a drink we ALL win

  79. Peter Vee
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    He’s the embodiment of despair, he shatters mens’ minds, he’s got the best jump shot, blah, blah, blah. It’s all rep, most of it spoken second or third-hand to protagonist who were, themselves, half-insane and prone to the shakes, anyway (this is a Lovecraft story we’re talking about.) And let us not forget, the dreaded Cthulhu was knocked out when some yahoos rammed a 1920’s yacht into his head.
    I’m not saying Jamie can defeat him. But people need to stop basing their opinion of Cthulhu on what their friend’s weird cousin said.

  80. Raven
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Peter Vee, nice comment. I never read the books, but that’s an interesting take. And if that much is true, and Cthulhu isn’t all he’s cracked up to be….then wildfire just might do the trick.
    Assuming Jaimes didn’t just kill the priests in the first place.

  81. Ben
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    With a little inspiration from Tyrion at the blackwater and having watched Pirates of the Caribean, Jamie would set Cthulhu alight with barrels upon barrels of wild fire. Game set match! Good night imbalanced cage match creature of doom.

  82. Jim
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    George R. R. Martin’s take on this match: http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html
    Okay. YES! I’ll buy into GRRM’s plausible scenario!
    Uh, objectsession: You said, “of course, having the author present a story gives their character a big advantage, but that seems fair to me.” True, it’s an advantage, but it’s one that’s only as fair as Jaime’s brilliant, but rather underhanded, method of “winning” the cage match. Why? Just ‘cuz it’s rather tough for HPL to fight fire with fire…
    H.P. Lovecraft (August 20, 1890 – March 15, 1937)
    Still… **sighs longingly at glimpsing a brief glimmer of hope** …if Cthulhu keeps on nappin’… and if The Shrike, Aslan, and Gandalf all lose their closely-contested battles… well, without the top four seeds, it may get get really interesting here!

  83. WaterDancer
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    GRRM’s post is excellent….I play table top games with Cthulhu Mythos represented…we always defeat the big bad by stopping their minions…just like Jamie did in GRRM’s post. the elder sign thing is excellent as well.

  84. Bill
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Upon further reflection:
    Jaime has already won.
    How do I know?
    Because I still exist.
    Take that, Logic!!!

  85. mithroch
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Ok… really? I mean I’m as big of a GRRM fan boy as they come… but it’s freakin’ Cthulhu!

  86. David
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    “I play table top games with Cthulhu Mythos represented…we always defeat the big bad by stopping their minions…”
    GRRM is a gamer, he’s played a lot of RPGs and I am willing to bet he’s played his share of Cuthulhu in his day. Might be he drew from that for his post about this.

  87. Oneru
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    This seemed a lost battle for Jaime, I mean, who could ever defear Cthulhu in battle?
    But what if you could avoid battle and still win? I absolutely loved George Martin’s rebuttal on how this fight should go (http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html), and therefore I have to vote for Jaime.
    That, and Cthulhu would simply win any fight, except one against the wit and cunning of George Martin.

  88. Ellira
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I was totally going to said Cthulhu even though it felt like betrayal, but then I read GRRM’s version of the “fight” and yeah … it was not only riveting, it made total sense. Soooo I voted Jaime. Gotta love fantasy that follows common sense and rules.

  89. metaller
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    loved your version up to the point where jaime sticks his sword into the fire. (this is in fact the point where I broke off to write this)
    NO! YOU DON’T DO THAT!! *cringe*
    Jaime’s sword is now ruined. Cause not only will the gold melt off (not that I cared), but the heat will leave the steel soft and bendable (yes, even after cooling).
    *sigh* He’s lost.. there’s no way he can win now. With a sword that will bend and dent whenever he hits something..

  90. Richard. No, not THAT Richard, another Richard
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    As Ellira b4 me, I was totally voting Cthulhu, until Martin told it as it “is”. Pure common sense. Cthulhu never had a chance in this competition. The winning move:
    “Well,” said Tyrion, “let’s not wake it. If Cthulhu doesn’t turn up, you win the match by default. Big fellow like that needs its sleep. I’d hate to disturb its dreaming, wouldn’t you?”
    http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html
    I can already imagine the hideous smile on that scarred-noseless-ugly dwarf face when he read Cthulhu was sleeping.

  91. Ula
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I think the only person from ASoIaF that could win, is Euron Greyjoy. Probably madder than Chtulhu could make him

  92. grutter
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    After the glance into the future as it will be (no escape) delivered by GRRM on his blog, there’s no other outcome imaginable. For anyone still hoping for some miracle in favor of Cthulhu: rest your soul, or save your energy for another fight. Cthulhu cannot win a fight with the Master of Twists.

  93. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Yeah, that’s it, you’re all right, the only way for Jaime to actually win the match is if Cthulhu didn’t turn up! How sad is that! You wish! Suduvu has summoned the Great Old One and he… It -sorry- won’t miss the chance to eat a soul or two… thousands. Cthulhu is well awake, it just had a combat and quite enjoyed it. Who knows? Maybe the Stars are Right and this is just the beginning of its Reign of Terror.
    Plus, if Martin himself has no misgivings in maiming or killing off his characters, why would we?!
    Say your prayers, Jaime, for this is the end of yet another Lannister. Nice to have met you!

  94. Rod
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Jaime sees Cthulhu
    Fails sanity check
    Rolls 1d100: 65
    Falls on the floor
    Ends up devoured or in Arkham asylum

  95. siimen
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I voted for Cthulhu.
    But now, when I read what George R.R. Martin wrote about the match, I’m not very sad that Jaime will probably win this one.
    Hey, the story has Tyrion, is unbelievably cute and no one wins Cthulhu, it just won’t wake.

  96. Pete
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Cthulhu in a cage match?
    That is one enormous cage.

  97. brian kemp
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Extremely well done. As a number of people have already said, in this and Cthulhu’s previous fight, there is no way one of the mortal characters defeats Cthulhu in astraight up fight, but you’ve created a way that gets around that believably. You’re right, Jaime doesn’t have to kill him to win.

  98. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    RR Martin is brilliant…. but Jaime’s got to go down here….

  99. 61 mos, 1 wk ago

    @metaller
    You make a fair point, and I’m not arguing that this is the way you treat a sword under most circumstances. However, this sword in particular only has one more cut to perform before it’s done the job it needs to do. And it’s better for it to cauterize the wound in the process. Doesn’t really matter if it’s ruined afterward. Even if Jaime’s real sword is impacted by his treatment of the dream version, he can always get a new one before the next match.

  100. Steve
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    After reading George’s blog I changed my mind.
    That was wonderful!

  101. Anchor
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Two fights in the same week???, Cthulhu goes to sleep.

  102. dorilys
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    No one mortal can defeat Cthulhu…

  103. Lovecrafter
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    If only Lovecraft were around to put in his $0.02 on how the match would go down, then perhaps we could have a better conversation. Seems GRRM has sealed the deal on this fight with his version. He certainly made me think twice about whether Cthulhu would even put in an appearance. All the same, I’d love to see Raistlin (or some other potent magic user) vs Cthulhu.

  104. Dan
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    From the original The Call of Cthulhu:
    “There hath he lain for ages and will lie,
    Battening on huge seaworms in his sleep;
    Until the latter fire shall heat the deep;
    Then once by man and angels to be seen,
    In roaring he shall rise and on the surface die.”
    Perhaps all Jamie has to do is bring the thing to the surface?
    Also…
    At the end of the story, Cthulhu is awakened by the sailors, and proceeds to slaughter them. As two escape to their boat, the creature gives chase, wading into the ocean after them. A sailor then rams the boat into Cthulhu’s head, bursting it; it immediately starts to reform, but whilst the creature is scattered, the boat retreats.
    If your average sailor can burst the things head in its home of the sea and have time to get away I’m betting Jamie can find a way to deal with this thing on land.

  105. Emmit Svenson
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I’m voting against Jaime, not because of the obvious fact that he’d have a whelk’s chance in a supernova against the inspiration for the Drowned God, but because every minute GRRM spends writing fanfic matches between the Kingslayer and assorted gods and wizards is one less minute he spends on writing A Dance with Dragons.
    (Don’t take this too seriously, folks, I know he’s not my bitch.)

  106. Jeff
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    The problem I keep having is that Martin makes his books so darn realistic–it’s hard for me to imagine poor Jamie killing most of the characters on the list. Don’t get me wrong, I still VOTED for Jamie when he was up against the witch girl, but I felt a little dishonest. Thankfully, enough of the other fans (and Martin himself) have provided amusing scenarios for a victory, so: Go Lannister!

  107. Lord_demion
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Umm… Guys and gals, Cthulhu is immortal and can’t be killed. Even if hacked into tiny little bit sized pieces he’s not going to stop. The only thing that has been able to slow him down was to put him into a nice fitful sleep in an underwater city. Next we have size… The one true appearance of Cthulhu in Lovecraft’s work did show him being injured… He was rammed through the heart with an full scale ocean worthy steamship. This only slowed him down a bit. What do you think a little sword is going to do? It would be like a mosquito bite to Cthulhu. As to the madness factor, no matter what your swordsman has faced in terms of mortal madness is nothing like what glimpsing into the void of madness that is an Old One. It is not merely horrifying and gruesomeness it is the realization of one’s own insignificance, not just compared to Cthulhu but that we’ve understood so little of our own reality that we’re not even aware of most of the things going on around us. Anyone who even thinks a mere mortal sword swinger has a chance to do anything more than run a away or curl up into a ball and wet himself is seriously deluded. Oh and even with the idea of Cthulhu being asleep in R’Lyeh I’d still bet on Cthulhu. If the guy gets in to the city to chop him up then the seals will be broken and Cthulhu rises… “world ends at 9 film at 11″. I do accept the idea that defeating Cthulhu does not require Cthulhu’s death, but this is supposed to be a cage match, a straight up fight mano a monster. That negates any concept of heroic quest style defeat.

  108. emmit Svenson
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Someone at Suvudu needs to get in touch with Charles Stross, author of the Atrocity Archives and the Jennifer Morgue, to write a Cthulhu-centric rebuttal to GRRM’s take of this contest. One of his stories has the Soviets holding the secret of Cthulhu’s awakening as a deterrent in the cold war. It’s a great blend of horror, political satire and black humor.

  109. Bunbury
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Please note that Martin DID write Jaime defeating Cthulu. See his blog for more info.
    I’m really of the opinion that the people who are writing these encounters for Suvudu are too personally invested in the subject matter. This one is not as good an example as the Aslan vs. Kvothe (which was just silly) fight, but it still stands.

  110. vonKreedon
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    There is no way that any mortal can defeat an awakened Cthulhu. Sorry. Just. Can’t. Happen.
    Martin came up with the only way Jaime wins, he prevents the awakening. However, since Cthulhu already killed Lyra he’s already awake and we are all doomed if both Aslan and Gandalf somehow lose before one of them can confront Cthulhu.

  111. vonKreedon
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    It just occured to me that Aragorn might have a shot against Cthulhu IF he gets to bring Arwen along. She could sing Cthulhu back to sleep like Luthien sang Morgoth to sleep.

  112. jeddicus
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Alright, GRRM posted his version of how this match would go down on his not-a-blog; excellent. I am definitely voting for Jamie now. I suggest you read it, far superior to the other synopsis’ posted here. I like it.

  113. dpomerico
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I love how you all have to point out that George RR Martin is a better writer than me–he really, REALLY is!
    The best part is: I got him to write a story to respond to mine. I’d say I have a pretty cool job.

  114. Bill
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Aw dude, don’t be so hard on yourself. Seriously, it was a good, origional take on possibility. GRRM is a better writer than any of us. I may poke fun at your posts and such….but really, thanks for doing this stuff. Cheer up! If there weren’t rabid fans insulting your writing, you’re not doing your job!

  115. Jay
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    The results of this vote have nothing to do with GRRM or Ice & Fire fanboys. It seems obvious to me that nobody (or not many) actually believe Jaime Lannister can beat Cthulhu & the voting is simply against Cthulhu & not for Jaime. At this point in the tournament people would be voting for Papa Smurf over Cthulhu. You all need to get over yourselves accept that fact.

  116. dpomerico
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I’m seriously not upset–I think this is awesome, both his story and all the comments. I’m glad everyone’s so into it (and I’m a little happy I could bring out the ire in some people :) )

  117. dpomerico
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    FYI: George’s story is now attached to the match, if you want to read it (it’s right before our scenario).

  118. hsg
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    Lannister.

  119. John
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I think any more cage match battle scenes need to include the legion of fans standing behind Jaime who have his back.

  120. chonifer
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I agree with jay. I mean, come on, what the hell.
    I´ll tell you how it ends.
    Cthulhu attacks. Yum Yum. Not a happy end for Jaime. Cthulhu gets to sleep. Bye bye.

  121. Cory
    61 mos, 1 wk ago

    I cannot in good conscience even vote in this match. As much as I’d desperately love for Jaime to win, this is just sort of a completely one sides match. It’s been said before that some of these characters aren’t even the most powerful in their respective worlds, so what hope, really, does one handed, yet still super badass Jaime have against an enormous god?
    These characters really should be more balanced.
    Also, I’d imagine fat goth chicks are way more likely to vote for Cthulhu anyway, because they pretend to love Lovecraft because Metallica does.

  122. Lexington Nerdington
    61 mos ago

    Good write up. I also think these match-ups are ripe for deeper stories and more exciting battles. The characters and the authors who wrote them deserve as much.

  123. 61 mos ago

    You are talking about the story “The Colder War” ;-) Great story!

  124. positronics
    61 mos ago

    The estimations that Jaime, wildfire, dragons, or anything from SoIaF mythos can compete with Chthulhu physically is flat wrong. Those who are pretending it a possibility are either rabid fanboys, ignorant of Lovecratian lore, or both.
    I voted for Cthulhu because both the cagematch author’s and GRRM’s stories suppose that Cthulhu is sleeping -and- that Jaime should be afforded help from Tyrion, both of which I think very unfair. This is a one-on-one sort of thing, and Cthulhu is already awake, that’s why he is in the running and not his servants or Deep Ones. If you’re making it that Cthulhu can be stopped without even waking, why not have given Lyra that opportunity, or anyone else who faces him? She could have certainly figured out how to stop him from waking… In fact, why not have given Locke the chance to poison Rand while he slept, or some equally unfair round-a-bout method to win?
    This is a deathmatch between two characters.
    Jaime is an interesting character, he’s much more interesting than Cthulhu, but if we’re coming up with the most powerful here and not just who has the more fans, let’s be realistic: Cthulhu wins.

  125. positronics
    61 mos ago

    The estimations that Jaime, wildfire, dragons, or anything from SoIaF mythos can compete with Chthulhu physically is flat wrong. Those who are pretending it a possibility are either rabid fanboys, ignorant of Lovecratian lore, or both.
    I voted for Cthulhu because both the cagematch author’s and GRRM’s stories suppose that Cthulhu is sleeping -and- that Jaime should be afforded help from Tyrion, both of which I think very unfair. This is a one-on-one sort of thing, and Cthulhu is already awake, that’s why he is in the running and not his servants or Deep Ones. If you’re making it that Cthulhu can be stopped without even waking, why not have given Lyra that opportunity, or anyone else who faces him? She could have certainly figured out how to stop him from waking… In fact, why not have given Locke the chance to poison Rand while he slept, or some equally unfair round-a-bout method to win?
    This is a deathmatch between two characters.
    Jaime is an interesting character, he’s much more interesting than Cthulhu, but if we’re coming up with the most powerful here and not just who has the more fans, let’s be realistic: Cthulhu wins.

  126. Josh
    61 mos ago

    Would it be possible to ban bad fanfic from the comments?

  127. DiapDealer
    61 mos ago

    “Would it be possible to ban bad fanfic from the comments?”
    If not, how about at least a word-limit?

  128. Loki
    61 mos ago

    I was going to vote for Cthulhu but GRRM swayed me. Well met, Jaime, well met indeed.

  129. simpsonim
    61 mos ago

    Cthulhu can not, I repeat, CAN NOT be defeated phisically. By anyone. Anyhow. Period. (no sane person can dispute this fact)
    In light of that… one only has to come up with an idea how to go around the ‘killing(defeating) Cthulhu’ part of the match. That’s where imagination and writing skills come into play. And that’s why Martin is, for me, the greatest living fantasy writer. He wrote the PERFECT description, the only plausible way Jaime(or any mortal) could have ‘defeated’ Cthulhu in a ‘cage’ match. And that’s why I vote Jaime.
    (and if Cthulhu wins now no one will be able to defeat him afterward. Because Mr. Martin just wrote the only possible semi-plausible way to do it, and any further tries to do it would require some degree of stealing his idea xD)

  130. objectsession
    61 mos ago

    ::wishes people would stop saying “fat goth chicks.”:: it’s offensive in so many ways . . .

  131. Jake
    61 mos ago

    I voted for Jaime for a few reasons.
    1. It’s lame that Cthulhu is even in this matchup…why not put him up against other omnipotent beings in a whole different tournament. Thanos with the infinity gauntlet? God? Bruce Willis?
    2. George Martin’s writeup was just too good to go unrewarded.
    3. I am a bit of a fanboy and just want Jaime to win all the matches, though there are a few characters in this tournament who I do feel belong, and I don’t see a possible way Jaime could win.

  132. I-zuki
    61 mos ago

    You know George rr martin hates fan fiction people… you really should stop doing it also he already wrote a good logical way for jamie to win that can be read here. http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html

  133. dpomerico
    61 mos ago

    Yeah–it’s on this page too (where he comments on the match). He actually wrote that for us, so I think we’re okay.

  134. karabaja
    61 mos ago

    i just think it sucks that we don’t get to read lovecraft’s take on this topic. pretty one-sided this way

  135. simpsonim
    61 mos ago

    LOL

  136. Ben
    61 mos ago

    I reckon some people need to chill out a little bit in this contest. Suggestions of banning bad fan fiction and telling people George Martin doesn’t endorse fan fiction are against the nature of this competition in my mind. Let people have their fun and if you don’t like their take on it, then vote the opposite way. Sigh always easy prey to trolls :(

  137. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    And for those claiming that Cthulhu is already awake because he squished Lyra, it is entirely plausible that the Subtle Knife enabled Lyra and Will to get to R’lyeh without releasing Cthulhu on the world. That means Will got squished too, but ah well.

  138. Brennan
    61 mos ago

    You sir just wrote on fine story. One I find better then GRRM’s own on this fight(Go ahead, flame me folks). It also should be how people handle this whole thing. Write up a story bad, good or whatever and then make a case for your favorite. This is all for the fun of it folks. Try keep that in mind

  139. DiapDealer
    61 mos ago

    “Write up a story bad, good or whatever and then make a case for your favorite. This is all for the fun of it folks. Try keep that in mind”
    I have no problem with a little bit of fan-fiction. But I definitely think it makes sense to limit it to a few paragraphs.
    Spontaneous comments are almost always funnier and more entertaining than planned out, contrived three-page long works of fiction.
    The day people start outlining their responses is the day “Cage match” dies.

  140. mpajor91
    61 mos ago

    Actually, he already HAS written about Jaime winning.
    http://grrm.livejournal.com/140797.html

  141. Evan
    61 mos ago

    “I voted for Cthulhu because both the cagematch author’s and GRRM’s stories suppose that Cthulhu is sleeping -and- that Jaime should be afforded help from Tyrion, both of which I think very unfair.”
    Um… you’re looking at a cage match between a human swordsman and GREAT FREAKIN’ CTHULHU, and you think the swordsman is the one with an unfair advantage?
    Riiiiiiiiight.

  142. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    Does anyone know when these brackets close, and round 3 starts?

  143. DiapDealer
    61 mos ago

    These last ones close on Sunday and round three should start Monday.

  144. dankesean
    61 mos ago

    Well, if nothing else, it seems the answer to the question ‘when do we get to see GRRM writing about these characters again’ has been answered. The answer being, imply that one of his characters is less badass than a 17 year old witch or an elder god, apparently. What the hell, might be worth keeping it up. If he keeps writing about Jaime, maybe we’ll actually see ADWD before the next decade is up.

  145. RFPII
    61 mos ago

    I’m going with Cthulhu because this match isn’t about the underdog of Jaime vs Cthulhu. Its about the underdog dpomerico vs GRRM. And dpomerico’s was funnier. ;)

  146. 61 mos ago

    @Brennan
    Thanks! I’m very glad you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun writing it.
    @DiapDealer
    Well, we all have our fun in different ways, don’t we? Since the only skin it takes off your nose here is a little extra scrolling, I’m not too worried about how much inconvenience it has caused you that I’ve written a post longer than you think is proper.
    @I-zuki
    My understanding of GRRM’s take on fanfiction is that he doesn’t think it’s a very productive use of an aspiring writer’s time, which is a position I understand, even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. I would not characterize it as “hate.”

  147. ben
    61 mos ago

    That was awesome. I think you should get a medal or something for that rebuttal.

  148. Jim
    61 mos ago

    “…Since the only skin it takes off your nose here is a little extra scrolling…”–Grayson Towler
    Huh? DiapDealer scrolls with his nose? And loses skin because of it? Eeew… That’s a mental image I could’ve done without.

  149. Jim
    61 mos ago

    “::wishes people would stop saying “fat goth chicks.”:: it’s offensive in so many ways . . . “
    What? Offensive to whom? Fat goth chicks? C’mon now. There’s no whining in a cage match… We’re in here where almost half of the people have voted FOR an arcane abomination, a tentacled nightmare of unspeakable evil, a being of unfathomable godlessness. Many of these same people are celebrating the fact that this same horror of the abyss mashed a child into pulp in Round One…. Oh, wait, let’s see, here. There’s still hope? Yes? A very good chance we can all be saved from this mountainous gibbering terror by… whom?
    Uh… someone that “Has no qualms about murdering and/or crippling children”…
    …and, so, everyone’s now supposed to be what? Politically correct?
    Seriously?
    ::blink::
    ::blink::
    Hmm…
    ::shrug::
    Okay. I can promise not to use the term. Still, it’s no wonder the whole world’s going to hell in an emo hand-basket.
    Oh, yeah… and
    ::glances over shoulder::
    Sshhhhhhhh! It’s still sleeping!

  150. Jamie (no relation)
    61 mos ago

    HPL would presumably take one look at Aryan pin-up Jaime and immediately concede on Cthulhu’s behalf. He might’ve let Ol’ Fishface eat Tyrion, though.
    (Also, because always related: “I believe these to be Negro eggs, Mr Snow”)

  151. Fantasy reader for a long long time
    61 mos ago

    I must say, from all the things I read so far in the brackets, yours is the best story. One I read with the actual feeling of reading a book by Martin or King or any of my favourite authors. It was good written and I like to think that Jaime could use his right hand once more :) So thank you!

  152. Gust
    61 mos ago

    Stop tarding up mah brackets. Aragorn destroying the wee free men, the shrike pwning Arthur Dent and now THIS? One handed man with below-average mental prowess beating out CTHULHU in a cage match whaaaaaaai. Yes I read Martin’s rebuttal. Yes I would love for Jaime to win as an asoiaf fanboy myself but people I would so dig if someone would ever and I mean EVER vote for the one who would actually win.
    Still less annoying than the two aforementioned cases, though.

  153. Yogsothoth
    61 mos ago

    I’m pretty sure Grayson’s dream story should have ended with Jaime struggling to get out of bed, only to realize that instead of cutting off his hand to melt down, he cut off his own “manhood” and ate it.
    He then runs screaming through the ship where the crew similarly finds that they too have mutilated themselves in their sleep. One by one they throw themselves overboard, impale themselves on various implements, or hang themselves.
    ~~~~
    This assuming they are just trying to enter Cthulhu’s dreams.
    As an aside… boring or not, everyone knows Cthulhu wins- at least against someone who doesn’t wield actual power.
    If Cthulhu somehow “loses” this round, then obviously he still wins- because you’re freaking nuts for voting for Jaime.

  154. Brennan
    61 mos ago

    A fair thought. Still, I will take a well thought out or playful response to all of these matches over a bit of “NERD RAGE!!!!” any day. Length is also a fair concern. I’d be willing to forgive Grayson for the length because it was simply a well done story.
    As to the folks saying that the ole’ Kingslayer is evil I ask this. Does any one here not enjoy a good story of redemption? I hope to see our one handed… ummm hero? (Still seems wrong to say)redeem himself in the books to come.

  155. Mike
    61 mos ago

    GRR Martin must have forgotten that this is the second round. Cthulhu is already awake. Jaime loses. The only character I see having any chance is Rand. You can’t drive him insane, since he already is. Combine Callandor + balefire = no more Cthulhu.

  156. Johnny Tindalos
    61 mos ago

    “No Nubian America! No Black Planet!” — that’s how I’ll always think of poor old HPL now.
    About to seriously piss off a clutch of self-replicating alien world-eaters with a double-barreled shotgun…
    Anyway, Randolph Carter got the better of Nyarlathotep in the Dreamlands (perhaps being a thinly disguised version of HPL helped), so I think Ser Lannister *might* manage to outwit a comatose Cyclopean cuttlefish (if It spends the time between rounds not dead but dreaming), at least long enough to get into the next round.

  157. GeminiTheSpy
    61 mos ago

    My argument for why Cthulhu is sleeping (which may or may not be logical and which most certainly breaks the fourth wall)
    Now, it is listed under Cthulhu’s disadvantage: “Might still be dreaming in R’lyeh.” Therefore, just as much as Jaime has to fight without the use of his swordhand, we have to assume that it’s a possibility that Cthulhu is dreaming.
    The situation is this: If Cthulhu is awake, Cthulhu wins. I’m not denying that.
    If Cthulhu is not awake, Jaime wins, if only by default.
    Here’s where I stop making sense.
    This is where the will of the voters comes into play. Some of us are looking for a Cthulhu victory while others (hello!) are looking for a Jaime victory.
    Since there exists a perfectly reasonable scenario in which either would win, voting for either is understandable.
    Now, some people are making the argument that since Cthulhu was awake in the first fight, then he has to be awake for the second.
    I say: why? If that’s the case, then why is it even listed as a disadvantage? It has to persist throughout the matches, just as much as every other character’s disadvantage does. So I return to my point that it is possible that Cthulhu is still dreaming, though it is not for certain, and it only makes sense that a vote for either is a-okay.
    Personally, I’m voting Jaime because:
    Cthulhu beats Jaime = boring and predictable
    Jaime beats Cthulhu = awesome and interesting.
    Also, I’m an Ice and Fire addict and Jaime and Tyrion are my favorite characters. XD
    And for the record, I voted Lyra in the first round.
    order and cHaos
    (P.S. Go Jaime!!!)

  158. Aarrgghh
    61 mos ago

    wrote a huge explanation before why this fight is cthulu, but it the system didnt send it, so ill cut it short, just cuz Cthulus asleep doesnt mean hes losing, his in perfect physical and mental condition (hes dreaming of chasing bunnies! look at him go!) just the fact jamie doesnt have an arm places him at a less then perfect physical condition, plus he is past his prime, every second is a marginally worse physical condition. this is a cage match without a cage, u cant forfeit by not apearing! the worlds your stage, just because your not attacking the enemy doesnt mean u forfeit.
    Grayson Towlers story was awesome, cant wait for him to publish some of his own writings :) .
    but the Seven are passive at best, nonexistance at worse, Rhlor mithve done something, old gods mightve, but really cant see the Seven doing anything….
    GRRMs was nice, but since cthulu is alive and well… i cant see jamie winning this, after all, hes 34!(like…. a whole year past his prime!!)
    sure the tournament aint fair, but if u want godlike-free tournament you have to kick half the contendrs (Aslan, Rand, Ged, Gandalf Raist and Cthulu)
    Jamie is one of my favorite characters and song of ice and fire is my favorite series ever. but this fight is cthulus, voting for jamie is a waste of votes since he will never beat the next round…

  159. Greyline
    61 mos ago

    I guess it turns out that Valyrian steel is Cthulhu kryptonite.

  160. 61 mos ago

    @Aarrgghh
    but the Seven are passive at best, nonexistance at worse,
    You’ve hit the nail on the head… that’s the biggest stretch I make in the whole fanciful exercise, that the Seven would (or could) actually do anything, even as indirectly as guiding a champion along a dream quest. For the most popular gods in Westeros, they’re remarkably passive. The only one who gets any apparent intervention from them is Davos, and even that might have just been a fevered dream. Meanwhile R’hllor is swanning about granting visions, bringing people back from the dead, empowering sorceresses, etc…
    Still, I’d rather see Jaime than Mellisandre in the tournament.

  161. lolz
    61 mos ago

    Laughable that Jaime is going to win against Cthulhu. Tyrion and Jaime bullcrap is going to rise the ladder all the way to the top.
    If they can come up with a way to beat Cthulhu without even waking him AFTER he stepped on Lyra then why can’t Tyrion poison Rand in his sleep, stab Gandalf while pretending to be a hobbit, etc? Oh, and btw, why isn’t Tyrion in this instead of Jaime if he’s doing all the legwork? Why not have them as a pair? Oh, because this is single matches, and Tyrion isn’t supposed to be in it…
    The amount of GRRM fanboy defensiveness over Jaime’s win being legit is stomach wrenching.

  162. Trevor
    61 mos ago

    Fat goth chick alert, everyone

  163. ben
    61 mos ago

    I voted for Jaime, but I still think it’s a silly victory. But then again, the whole tournament is silly. Different magics from different universes… Characters with godlike powers facing off against completely mundane opponents.
    Everyone, chill out. Just because your favorite guy might lose, it’s not the end of the world. Conan is still a superior character to Rand al’Thor ;)

  164. The Jaguar
    61 mos ago

    I see people saying that Jaime won’t win the next round, or saying that Jaime will win everything because his brother is Tyrion.
    Jaime will win the next round because Temeraire, for all his size and “intelligence” is a moron. Read the books if you haven’t, you’ll see what I mean. All Jaime has to do is trick Temeraire into trying to eat him (probably won’t have to try that hard), and there’s a perfect opportunity to stab through the roof of his mouth with a Valyrian Steel Sword, game over, Jaime wins, even if he does have to cut his way out of a dead dragon’s mouth afterward.
    Or Jaime could go the yet easier route of holding his sword to Laurence’s throat, and Temeraire will do whatever Jaime says at that point.

  165. 61 mos ago

    @Jaguar
    It may be a little premature to talk about the next round, considering the voting swings we’ve seen up to this point.
    However, I would not characterize Temeraire as a “moron.” It’s more fair to say that he’s naive about many things. As in, he’s 5 years old. We see an older dragon of his sort in the books, operating with his intelligence plus a few more decades of experience, and she is anything but a moron.
    Jaime is no brain specialist himself. The concept that he needs to think strategically has only recently entered his awareness, since the loss of his hand. Up to that point, he thought with either his “manhood” or his sword, depending on the situation. Which is why he got owned by a 16-year old Stark in the only major large-scale battle he ever fought.

  166. Snowy The Frozen
    61 mos ago

    Two beings of great destiny and power…
    Cthulhu is a virtually unkillable creature, especially because he’s probably not ‘alive’ to begin with. He has an unknown number of worshipers, powers and considerable abilities.
    Jaime is a human being with great character, and one who doesn’t give up easily.
    Then again, Cthulhu is an immortal.
    I think the outcome lies within the information given to us. Even IF Cthulhu wakes up, he will have to brush his teeth, go take a leak (imagine waking up after so much time. MAN I wouldn’t like to be that guy.).
    Do you really think he’ll notice etched Valyrian steel scrubbing away towards the cortex of his brain, especially after researching and completely ignoring Cthulhu’s gaze of death?
    Jaime wins. Crippled Victory.

  167. Dan
    61 mos ago

    I think a lot depends on where the fight takes place and under what circumstance. Cthulhu is at home at sea – if the fight takes place there the only way Jamie could win is if Cthuluhu is in a very deep sleep. Anywhere else, well…Cthuluhu would still probably win in a fair fight. Jamie is a great fighter among men…sure, but he did lose his fighting hand. I wish Suvudu picked Daenerys to represent the Ice and Fire series…but alas they did not, so Cthuluhu really should win this.

  168. Alia
    61 mos ago

    Ummm…. How exactly did the votes go up by more than 2 thousand in the last 5 minutes? And gave Cthulhu 7% gain? Confused….

  169. Sebastian
    61 mos ago

    Yeah I just saw the 2,000 vote increase as well… dirty cheaters!

  170. positronics
    61 mos ago

    Would probably? Would definitely… If Cthulhu wakes, only characters that have a chance are Rand and Raistlin and -possibly- Roland if he still has the Horn.
    There is a lot of delusional/unfair voting going for Jaime.

  171. tsur
    61 mos ago

    first thing we must do is getting rid of the dogmas.we are combining worldes with different rules.
    using asshai books jame could kill the those who are not alive.the red prists has some control in this area-they reserect peple.ofcourse there might be a diffrence between the two,but there are creative solutions-jame can also insert life into cthulhu somehow and then violently take them back.it wouldnt “kill” the god,for its nature,but it will cast him away from the specific universes timeline,possobley temparery into the area of death.he can use his own,what would be halpfull in letting him pass throu the immortalitu-easier to control youre own life,and will be very afficiant,if concidering R’hllor bloody history.
    stanis would to it better with his sword,but we will have to do with jame.
    cthulu is asleap.its hes situation and a part of the character.its allsow the battle inviormant.just like aragorn cant summon the army of the dead and get gondors armies out of the sky.he can just keep it asleap-not fair,but cthulu isnt a faire opponent for a person eather.
    and yes,he can use tirion,drizzet used other people his first suvudu fight.there are characters that are a part of the heros life and personality.its not whithout reason that he will talk to tirion before the battle-it is without reason that cthulu is in westrows by a coincidence.besides,he could have killed tht prists before the fight.

  172. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    Did someone just smuggle a voting machine into R’lyeh, and now Cthulhu is voting once with each tentacle??

  173. Conscientious
    61 mos ago

    What the hell?
    Cthulhu should be disqualified for cheating.

  174. Dimnara
    61 mos ago

    Wth?! 2,000 votes in a few minutes? Is Chtulu the gof of cheaters?
    PS: Very nice story in the first posting. Great work!

  175. dpomerico
    61 mos ago

    People! People!
    We’re looking into it. In the meantime, please rest assured that somehow Jaime is still winning against a monster that is both the size of a mountain and would crush a human’s mind like a blood-filled tick.
    But until shenanigans can be proven, George Bush wins Flor…I mean we’re looking into it.

  176. Alia
    61 mos ago

    Agreed! 4 thousand votes over the last hour in 2 quick batches. I mean, seriously? Cheating makes this much less fun.

  177. Dimnara
    61 mos ago

    Wth?! 2,000 votes in a few minutes? Is Chtulu the god of cheaters?
    PS: Very nice story in the first posting. Great work!

  178. Tal
    61 mos ago

    Uh…is a crazy Lovecraft fan holding a school hostage for parents’ votes somewhere? Has anyone heard about this on the news? Lol…wow.

  179. dpomerico
    61 mos ago

    Just want to point out that about the time the votes changed so dramitically, tor.com reported on this fight and George’s post–possible explanation in the surge.

  180. hmm
    61 mos ago

    2000 Jaime votes in 2 hours, guess the stackers aren’t one-sided.
    Though no-one will complain about that, cause this contest is tainted by fanboys

  181. Sudonym
    61 mos ago

    C’thulu is actually real and woke up just enough to vote for himself!
    Jamie Lannister remains the creation of George RR Martin, whose short story has inadvertently awakened him.
    After he crushes Jamie with his thousands of votes, he’s gonna grab a sperm whale for dinner and go back to sleep.

  182. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    dpomerico, I’m sure that you folks are doing everything you can, and that the poll people have at least some defenses against hacking. Given that the Shrike lost by 13 votes after a couple of surges like this, I’m guessing that these are real votes. Stunning, yes, but explanations like the one you provide are likely. At any rate, please tell us what you find.

  183. Xeteh
    61 mos ago

    I’m getting a kick out of how people are complaining that “GRRM fanboys” are ruining this contest. If it wasn’t some sort of popularity thing what is the point? Crown Cthulhu and move on, there would be no point to even try to discuss how a single human could topple a being the size of a mountain that induces a gripping fear just by being.

  184. Lord_demion
    61 mos ago

    Ok, let’s go with the idea that Cthulhu is sleeping just for the fun of it… Does anyone realize that this makes it easier for Cthulhu to win? Why you ask? Because the only thing a sword swinger can do to harm Cthulhu is stick him with a sword. Heck let’s give him some siege weaponry just to give him a shot… If Cthulhu is asleep deep in R’lyeh, then little Jamie can’t do anything to him without breaking the seals and loosing Cthulhu onto the helpless universe. Cthulhu on the other hand is quite capable of sending dreams of horrid realities to the poor man which will eventually turn the strongest mind into gibbering mush.

  185. ...
    61 mos ago

    all he has to do is prevent cthulhus awaking…he does not have to hurt it!
    peace and prosperity to all^^
    but about lyra,its ashame that she had no chance…since her soul is aotside her bodie,shes immune to the mind-incineratingt-horror thing.and she simpley gets the seals from the Alethiometer…

  186. AHEM
    61 mos ago

    Cthulhu’s cheating?
    Well, good. He/it needs something to balance out the ridiculous disadvantage of people voting against him just on a popularity basis or because it isn’t “fair” that Cthulhu’s in this tourneyment.
    Go, Cthulhu, go!

  187. BlackJonn
    61 mos ago

    Jaime wins. Why? Two words: Myrish swamp. :)

  188. Eddy
    61 mos ago

    It’s funny how many fat gothy Lovecraft fans here haven’t even read the original story. Cthulhu gets defeated by nothing more than a boat ram. Jaime’s got a whole fleet of warships under his family’s control.

  189. A Nearly Mute Observer
    61 mos ago

    …interesting how their special attacks are basically the same…xD
    Anyway, may I say, don’t let cheating Cthulhu get away with this, dishonorable squid! Half the gods are already gone. Only Aslan and Cthulhu remain. If they go down, at last we’ll be free of one-dimensional uber-characters we’re not supposed to be able to understand, much less accurately vote on in a tournament.

  190. Morbo
    61 mos ago

    Go Cthulu! I love GRRM and ASOIAF but Jaime is a Poxy A$$ed Wh0r3

  191. Samuel
    61 mos ago

    I agree. Has anyone else read the original Call of Cthulhu (which, I might add, is as far as I’ve heard the only Lovecraft text where Cthulhu is actually awake)?
    Here’s what happens. A bunch of sailors find R’lyeh. They land, they open a big door, apparently to Cthulhu’s lair. A few get killed by tentacles and they run back to the ship. Cthulhu immediately pursues them, diving into the water and gaining…until it steers itself underneath them and gets plowed by the boat and chopped in half. It reforms, but returns to R’lyeh, which sinks immediately bank into the depths.
    Note the lack of A) the sailors all losing their minds simultaneously (only a few are stricken); B) particular intelligence on Cthulhu’s part (wow, what’s that? Let’s get in front of it’s big sharp prow and see what happens!); and C) mystical superpowers.
    I mean, the thing gets owned by a BOAT. Sure, it doesn’t die, but it definitely doesn’t keep going after them to kill them either. No, quite the contrary, Cthulhu zips on back to R’lyeh and plummets back into his watery grave. Woo! Wouldn’t want to face the fury of the terrible BOAT again!
    Am I missing something here? Sure, Cthulhu’s a credible threat, but…I mean, unprepared sailors. Random boat. Come on.
    And yet, for some reason, people keep on going on about Cthulhu like he’s this awesomely powerful thing. “The tournament was over the instant Cthulhu entered!” “Wow, Cthulhu! Nobody has any chance!” Is there some crapload of Cthulhu “fanfiction by more prominent authors” that I don’t know about? Does Cthulhu appear as anything other than a giant, telepathic space alien somewhere? Cthulhu was not a god in Lovecraft’s fiction. He was, as far as I remember, just a PRIEST of Lovecraft’s REAL gods to the Great Old Ones, who were themselves flesh-and-blood beings.
    Can someone explain this to me, b/c it’s really tough to mesh everyone acknowledging “oh, of course, Cthulhu has to win” with the stories I’ve read (granted, I haven’t read all of Lovecraft’s tales: perhaps he changes his mind at some point).

  192. Samuel
    61 mos ago

    Sorry. I agree with Eddy, not the “I

  193. Sebastian
    61 mos ago

    There’s some pretty obvious cheating going on here – but before it all started, Jaime was up 54-45 or something, with around 18,000 votes total.
    Just so’s ya knows.

  194. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    Samuel, thanks for the update. I’ve been wondering for some time just what Cthulhu can actually do, other than terrify, attack with tentacles, and squish. Although I’ve been able to find a couple of vague allusions that it’s supposed to eat the world, and was designed to destroy some god or other, it is not clear how it does this. Fine, it’s so vast that it demonstrates the infinitesimal significance of humanity in the cosmos, but several of the characters in this bracket would say “tell me something I didn’t already know”. So really, is this thing just some oversized calamari, and the frightening thing is how many people would die in cooking and eating it? What can it really do (assuming that it is awake, which has already been adequately covered)?

  195. 61 mos ago

    I voted for Jaime! I love A Song of Ice and Fire and I think Jaime is a very important character who has a lot to tell us

  196. Flit
    61 mos ago

    As I see it, Cthulhu is not just fighting Jaime here, he’s fighting the Lannisters, which just happens to come with Tyrion, who is probably one of the smartest characters out there. Very Machiavellian, and wouldn’t even blink at the thought of cheating. Jaime might not be as smart, but he certainly knows how to kill things. He’s so good at it he’s surpassed the gold armour and gone straight for the gold star. If there is a way out of it, or around it, it’ll be found. I think GRRM has it down. Obviously he knows these characters better than anyone and if they were going to find a way out of killing Cthulhu he would get them there.
    Whether Cthulhu is a priest or a god or whatever, he’s still a beast of some kind, and even a god as a weak spot. Nothing is infallible. Except, maybe Mary Sue who is a charming klutz and ‘accidentally’ falls onto the right discarded shoe that causes the cliff to fall out from beneath the giant ugleh creature who at that moment was about to eat the soul of the brooding perfect boyfriend.

  197. Outraged
    61 mos ago

    Yay, Tyrion is smart. That’s totally a basis for defeating that which is unknowable, and compared to which mankind has no meaning and no hope of understanding the true nature of things.
    The point of Cthulhu – and the old ones – is that they are undefeatable. Yes, it’s silly that one happens to be in this competition, but it’s silly because they’d always win. Especially against a one-handed medieval fantasy character and his literate midget brother.

  198. CoC
    61 mos ago

    Um.. Cthulhu didn’t get “owned” by a boat. Johansen rammed into him, and just went right through him, and Cthulhu reconstituted. He didn’t pursue because the dudes the sailors killed on the Alert had not finished the rites to fully raise R’lyeh, and so it sank – to which Cthulhu had to return.

  199. Jim
    61 mos ago

    The voting really does seem to be a problem – something that the folks here at suvudu should probably look into. Seems it’s not just in this match either (see my post at http://wp.suvudu.com/2010/03/cage-match-2010-round-2-4-gandalf-versus-13-roland-deschain.html#comment-5682 for instance). Apparently, something’s going on that makes the voting an insult anyone who’d like to see this Cage Match format be FUN for everyone.
    Shame on the ballot-box stuffers!!!

  200. Starhammer
    61 mos ago

    If we can get Kvothe and Jaime Lannister to the final round we will get a blurb-off between Patrick Rothfuss and George R. R. Martin! Come on people that would be awesome!

  201. Gareth
    61 mos ago

    Those of you pushing the argument that basically goes “Cthulu wins ‘cos it’s Cthulu”, really need to wake up and smell the coffee. This is a competition not a victory parade. If the starting point for your argument is that Cthulu just can’t be beaten, then there wouldn’t have been any point in Cthulu entering it in the first place – after all, if it’s assumed that Cthulu is so all conquering, it could just squish the rest of the field from the sofa and then go back to watching day time TV. Therefore, it must be the case that Cthulu is not all that it’s been cracked up to be.
    As has already been pointed out, if there’s one reliable thing about fantasy faction it’s that enormous odds always favour the underdog. Thus, once it is apparent that Cthulu isn’t entitled to win just because it’s name is Cthulu, it’s status as favourite looks to be more of a liability than a blessing.

  202. Alia
    61 mos ago

    I like your point about the odds favoring the underdog. Sir Terry Pratchett said something to this extent – if a chance of an event happening is exactly one in a million, it is bound to happen for sure. Seems like this may be the outcome of this round (fingers crossed).(R.I.P. Wee Free Men, btw)

  203. john
    61 mos ago

    Which, of course means Cthulu is the actual underdog, and thus should win… =)
    (Anyone who hasn’t been sleeping throughout this entire event knows Cthulu was the underdog from the moment GRRM pointed his fans at this board. Of which I am one, but I would still prefer Cthulhu not suffer such an ignoble defeat as to lose to the Kingslayer…) =P

  204. Cilantron
    61 mos ago

    Huh. Jaime Lannister is currently ahead. For those of of you unclear on the concept, I offer two arguments: 1) The animation short “Bambi vs. Godzilla” 2) Regarding the whole “boat ramming” incident, Cthulhu was not at the height of his powers because the stars were not right. I realize the second argument could backfire- stars wrong, Jaime wins, stars right, Cthulhu wins.

  205. tsur
    61 mos ago

    if tirion is the the lanister WILL be victorious.remember the blackwater.

  206. tsur
    61 mos ago

    and again since jaime is there throu the whole time he can prevent cthulhus awakeness and let the fight begine at the right moment.cthulhu dosent deside when to wake up and when to get to its hight of powers,jame however,as a person hwo nearly uses the knoledge and gods of his world,the armies of lanister and his own training-can.
    all jame has to do is facing the moster at the right moment.since cthulhu can go to other univerces and regular knights cant i think the fight will occer on westrows land.in this teritory not only that the gods are different and atleast one of them,the one thet uses humans to get his wishes forfilled, will be upset,but cthulhu is totaly detached from the stars!
    the westrosian stars and weather are not only differen but acts in a bizzare way…
    wintar could take place for many years and the cerestrial periodicity is doubtable at best,left for the smartest scholers-there is no power sorce for cthulhu!
    infact,if he or hes priests are wating for a specific moment-in the seven kingdoms he will sleap forever!
    martins world has its own magic scorces,and thoes are understood by the worlds scholers,not cthuihus priests.
    if he knows when to awake and has a chance to win-he wont get it to the battlefield!
    ofcource,its not his “power sorce”-itz a part of him-but its simpley mean that he can not exist in westrose by himself,atleast not as powerfull as he is…

  207. tsur
    61 mos ago

    loosing to the kingslayer isnt that dishornable…
    every one hwo rad the thired book knowes he didnt kill him for no reason…

  208. tsur
    61 mos ago

    *dishonorable

  209. bo
    61 mos ago

    if cthulhu MUST win then whats the point of the whole game? should it be “realistic”? so why vote?
    Jaime FTW!

  210. BakaSekai
    61 mos ago

    “Well,” said Tyrion, “let’s not wake it. If Cthulhu doesn’t turn up, you win the match by default.
    TYRION.
    ILU.
    Yes, yes, yes. I know Jaime should lose, because OH WELL HE LOST HIS HAND.
    So what?
    Cthulhu should win everything, because he’s a god. HELL.
    Most of people in this competition are THE BEST FREAKING WIZARD/ASSASSIN/SWORDSMAN/WHATEVER IN THE WORLD.
    So yes. Ragnarok?
    I voted for Jaime.
    Because I’ve read Mr. Martin’s writing.
    Mr. Martin. You win.
    You win.

  211. Jeff
    61 mos ago

    Hey, even *when* Jamie does win (fingers crossed) all you Cthulhu fans should be consoled by the fact that, after all this arguing, all the GRRM fans are running out to their nearest library to get the fattest Lovecraft collection they can lay their hands on! Well . . . I am anyway, and isn’t that the point?
    Go Lannister!

  212. GeminiTheSpy
    61 mos ago

    /nodd
    /applause

  213. metaller
    61 mos ago

    true, indeed. After I had finished reading the whole story I wasn’t that upset about ruining a good sword anymore, it makes sense within the story.
    Anyway, just wanted to have mentioned it.

  214. pax
    61 mos ago

    I cannot take seriously any competition where some guy with a sword could even conceive of defeating Cthulu. Obviously this is a popularity contest, not a matter of who would win in a battle.

  215. tsur
    61 mos ago

    if lovecraft characters are too STUPID to not knowing how to defeat cthulhu it dosent mean its impossible.
    we gave you more reasons then ANY other mach in suvudu!
    inclouding world restrictions,relevant inability,causal probloms that requires a sleaping cathulhu,reasons for it to stay at his current situation,reasons why jame chooses the battleplace for his addventeges,reasons why it metters,and even a reson for cathulhu to not notice its bralin is digged out(Bacterias dont die easly)!
    im sorry but the burden of proof is YOURS!
    “it happens becaus it dose” is a fault teleology!

  216. Amen-Ra
    61 mos ago

    Ofcourse its a popularity contest, but read some of the reasons as to how they say Jamie would win, the best one was given by GRRM himself. cthulu’s folowers were killed by Jamie and thus cthulu was never wakened. Is that not how you usually defeat things like that? I dont have any problems with people less powerful beating things more powerful. If thats what always happened in Scifi and fantasy then it would not be very interesting. The question you must ask yourself is how. I have read a credible explanation as to how and thus I am satisfied. I have yet to get a remotely credible explanation as to how the Shrike looses to Drizzt.

  217. Ganieda
    61 mos ago

    Really? Cthulhu already squashed Lyra, and there were some pretty compelling arguments last round for why she was one of the better suited among the contestants to defeat the Big Squishy. (This also means that the only way GRRM’s admittedly very fun reasoning works is if we change the rules every round based on which characters people like.)
    I’m as bored as anyone else with the idea of Cthulhu’s unchallenged ascent through the ranks, but let’s be honest, no one whose primary advantage is physical strength and prowess has a snowball’s chance in hell. Not even Jaime Lannister.

  218. Ganieda
    61 mos ago

    P.S.–I know it’s been said, but “Stormcrow,” you need to find a better outlet then spewing vitriol at people on the ‘net. Especially as, according to my highly scientific approach, the main voting bloc here seems in fact to be fifteen year old boys.

  219. Bily
    61 mos ago

    Actually he did write about it. It’s on his blog.

  220. whatajoke
    61 mos ago

    Tyrion isn’t even in this flipping tournament, why is he allowed to help Jaime?
    Anyone can come up with a way to beat anyone on here, and if we’re just going to come up with a way Jaime AND Tyrion can beat everyone on here in some “clever” way then this tournament is nothing more than a popularity contest.
    The dwarf has no business in this competition, as a lot of contestants who could have used their family/friends/followers went without and died.

  221. Zatoro
    61 mos ago

    I wonder if the majority of the people leaving comments will ever realize that this is truly a popularity contest. I voted for the Shrike in the first round, because I like both characters equally and thought the Shrike would genuinely win. This time I voted for Jaime because I like ASoIaF, but don’t much care for C’Thulhu, even though Big Ugly should obviously win in a bar fight.
    These characters are works of fiction, and can always be written to win in a fight no matter the odds. It might take a talented writer to make it sound plausible, but since it’s just words on paper, it’s always possible.

  222. Taka
    61 mos ago

    My thoughts were right along those same lines. Bringing the characters out of their respective worlds and making up new rules on the fly means that you can come up with a scenario for whoever you want to win. It is a popularity contest. Judging strength of the character vs another in a variety of world with a variety of rules is flat out impossible. I vote for who I want to win.

  223. Divvitar
    61 mos ago

    This is even dumber than Gandalf losing to the Gunslinger. As much as I love ASoIaF, Jamie wouldn’t stand a chance. A sword against a god is worthless.

  224. bo
    61 mos ago

    assuming that the god cannot be defeated I ask wth is he doing in the contest?

  225. Tinetingplingtingeling
    61 mos ago

    Go Jamie! Go Jamie! Go Jamie!

  226. alicelouise58
    61 mos ago

    Tyrion is giving the pregame advice just as a boxer has his team in the corner. In GRRM’s scenario and the other excellent scenario; Jaime must implement the solution all by his lonesome.
    All’s fair in preparation.

  227. tsur
    61 mos ago

    “Tyrion isn’t even in this flipping tournament, why is he allowed to help Jaime?”
    and cthulhu has to be woken,so there are at least a dosen low power worshiper or two strong mages invilve…
    why can they help HIM?…
    if what your saying is truth-its an automatical technical victory for the golden knight…
    i do think lyra could have won,especially if she carries the Subtle Knife-but it is of more logic that jame would beat an army of priest then her.
    i have a few other arguments,which you can read in here.
    he could go unnoticed,he could use an army and he could choose the battlefield,what lyra cant by the way,being unexperienced impulsive girl hwo does smart long-term moves only when a pies of metal tells her to(beside lieing).
    fantasy literature is full of person vs mountain encounters!
    as i already proclamed the meare sky of westrose prevent cthulhu from using its powers!
    you you all are right-as in any good debate,both sides may have theire good clames to be found.but the fact is that it creates these lines that we are writing.it makes you think and know your character.
    not allowing it is basically saying being smart,insightfull and understandending the subject is cheating!
    i call you all again to look at the field the characters,leave the fan dogmas and have fun^^
    and to vote to jame!
    or at least to find some good arguments…

  228. tsur
    61 mos ago

    an idiotic nonsence in hebrew to express the logic yet absurd incident:
    ????? ????? ?? ??mifletzet begodel shel har
    she’otcha meshage’a
    lo yitorer ad machar
    zot kol echad yode’a
    kol mi shecara et sifro
    o histakel batguvot
    be’avaro
    yimtza pirtzot!
    hayetzur anak umafchid
    uben almavet atzum
    aval eichshehu tamid
    hu nofel be’bum!
    lekol sheretz shekore
    omar et ze chad ubarur:
    im tirtze lehashmid
    behaliche yesh lakachat shiur!
    ve’im tishchat drakon
    o chaya mishol tachtiot
    vade im hayah nacon
    lilmod halicha caya’ot!
    >a mountain size moster
    that drives you mad
    wont wake up till tomorow
    every one knows that
    every one hwo have rad his book
    or looked at the replis
    in his past
    findes soft spots!
    hes giant and scary
    a mighty immortal too
    but somehow all the time
    hes falling in a bum!
    for every reading vermin
    heres a loud edvice:
    if you want to annihilate
    take a walking leason first!
    and if you slauter a dragon
    or a hell beast
    make sure he learned corectely
    how to walk!

  229. Morbo
    61 mos ago

    Seriously ppl to think of this entire thing as anything but a popularity contest is just naive. To get yourselves so worked up over what some twinkie fan has to say? lol Twinkies ruin everything. I say we feed a few to the Big C

  230. OneGirl
    61 mos ago

    SPOILERS from A Song of Ice and Fire coming.
    Oh, please. I know many of you say that with Martin’s explanation, Jaime wins. But Martin is shamelessly cheating there. This is Jaime at the end of Storm of Swords. He came home when Tyrion was imprisoned. Jaime’s only asset, as many have said, is Tyrion, and he DOES NOT have Tyrion here. Because Tyrion is pretty angry with Jaime having you know, partly arranged the gang rape of Tyrion’s wife. So Jaime knows nothing, he sees Chtulhu, valiantly tries and easily dies. Period.
    What I don’t buy is Jaime being horrified by Chtulhu. Chtulhu was very horrifying back then in Lovecraft’s time. Nowadays we know about pederasty, torture and genocide. Frankly, a cruel human soul is far more scary than Little Tentacles, who lost all capacity to produce fear after the publication of “The misadventures of Hello Chtulhu” (a hilarious webcomic about Chtulhu getting stuck in Hello Kitty’s universe). So, no, anyone who’s been raised with the likes of Tywin Lannister and the Cleganes, and survived Vargo Hoat and Amory Lorch, will NOT be scared of Chtulhu. I think all those men are more scary than Tentacly dear. Still, Jaime loses. Because he’s crippled and Tyrion isn’t with him.

  231. Josh Powell
    61 mos ago

    I think even now Tyrion would help out Jaime against Chthulu. While the Lannisters have huge in-fighting, they always rally together against outside forces.

  232. WaterDancer
    61 mos ago

    Onegirl: First, this is a contest obviously not at any specific time, as at least one of the characters has died already, it could be before Tyrion’s trial, since Jaime has his hand chopped off before then, second, all the contests are what if’s…..otherwise…who’s to say where the “battle” takes place, does cthulhu’s eldritch magic even work in the world of westeros?…who is to say…just take it as it lay…its a big bundle of what if, and a popularity contest, otherwise there would be more credible match ups for sake of fairness I mean otherwise its the shrike versus Aslan and that’s that….they are both equivilent to unstoppable…and aslan wins in the end…simply because he is a creation god. its all in good fun so everyone who is screaming cheat or no way…simmer down….and wait till the good people at suvudu refine the system before you holler so loudly

  233. lakesidey
    61 mos ago

    “While the Lannisters have huge in-fighting, they always rally together against outside forces.”
    Uh, no longer so….remember the ending of Feast for Crows? (Let me not drop spoilers, but a little letter did get tossed in the fire….)
    And onegirl, we do have some scenarios up there where Jaime wins without Tyrion’s help…equally far-fetched ones, I will freely admit, but isn’t that the whole point?

  234. 61 mos ago

    Hm. I love Jaime, but there is no way that he can defeat Cthulhu. A man versus a god… The only way Jaime could have a chance to win is with Cthulhu still sleeping. And even in this scenario, Jaime would probably become completely insane just by watching Him.

  235. tsur
    61 mos ago

    cruel,sean-it-all and dont belive in cthulhus powers jame would survive insanaty(witch he also expirienced in the searice and survibed).
    cthulhu works with fear of death and pain,blief and iner evil.it combines the pieses of thote together.he will pass that.
    the fact is that it would make him vounrable-but increadebly more powerfull!
    its the king slayer,he knowes cheating and being cheated,he knowes bearing a bargin.if he could strike before dieing(asspasialy if getting life into him like i said fefour) he will win!
    cthulhu needs an armey of warshipers.so technically jame can bring all of westrose…
    dumbeldore is dead and the timelines are mixed-and yet everyones fighting.cthulhu is a myth even for its creator(not a character)-now ill clame if does not exist.not on allmoast godless westroes!
    call that cheating.

  236. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    Pleasant nightmares, Cthulhu.

  237. SerNym
    61 mos ago

    Yay, Jaime has won! Bye bye Cthulhu ;)

  238. tsur
    61 mos ago

    its good.
    if cathulu had to face a person that have surrenderd to his one darkness(raistlin) it would have won.
    so would it with someone that cant live with his dids and runs away from them.
    there are two characters this round that might have been able to defeat cthulhu at the next.one is our champion.the other is ged.

  239. Richter
    61 mos ago

    So Lannister triumphs another time where they should have fallen. Damn.
    Also, dear Martin, where was House Greyjoy, where were the Iron Men? Why did they not rally to aid the reawakening of the Drowned God?! I mean, they easily have more Ftaghn in them than the average Cthulhu cult!
    Of course, Jaime could also have brought a Lannister Host with him and just ridden the Cultists down …
    @WaterDancer, I am convinced Eldritch Magic works on Westeros. Apart from the Lovecraftverse, nowhere are the gods so cruel and uncaring and is life so damn miserable. ;)
    Plus. Look at these Gods. The Drowned God. His people run about with a Kraken for coat of arms. I mean, jeez. They just could make Phui R’Lyeh Ftaghn! their house words …

  240. Amen-Ra
    61 mos ago

    If it is cheating because tyrion will not help him then you can make the argument that the fight was fixed because of the fact that you picked Jamie without his sword hand. As I can recall from reading one of the spoilers about tyrion in a dance with dragons, he would aid his brother. He said that his family was his to kill and no one else. he was ready to defend his family despite everthing that happened. I am not buying the argument that he would not help his brother.

  241. TonyW
    61 mos ago

    Ser Jaime, the Cinderella boy from Lannisport makes it to the Elite Eight!

  242. Dally
    61 mos ago

    If I looked at that right, then this battle had the most number of votes. Looking good for House Lannister!

  243. Bmannion
    61 mos ago

    If a dragon can beat Polgara… Jaime can beat Cthulhu.

  244. BMannion
    61 mos ago

    If a dragon can beat Polgara… Jaime can beat Cthulhu. If any character should have been barred it is Rand. Rand is one of my favorites, along with Belgarion and GRRM’s cast of characters, but what fun is playing a game of rock, paper, balefire? I wonder if Cthulhu could have driven Rand mad… hmm.

  245. Endlessorrow
    61 mos ago

    Next up for Ser Kingslayer? A Dragon… Pfft.
    Any fantasy buffs ever hear of a knight slaying a dragon?
    Onwards the Lion to the final 4!!!

  246. Sudonym
    61 mos ago

    Raist would totally kick C’thulu’s ass. He’s not unaccustomed to killing gods. At worst, he’s C’thulu’s equal. More probably, the Soulforged could bring about those strange aeons and let death die.

  247. Citizen
    61 mos ago

    Got to like the possibility of K’vothe vs. the Lannisters in the semis. Not only a blurb-off between interested authors, but a match between (including Tyrion) some of the craftiest characters out there. Jaime should be able to trick a naive dragron, and K’vothe should find a way to beat a doddering (albeit powerful) old man. Rand vs. Ged should also be interesting, if things go the way they think I should. However, we’ve seen some strange things happen, so not counting any chickens just yet.

  248. alicelouise58
    61 mos ago

    Many have various match ups in the final. Whay about Drizzt being counseled by Jarlaxle vs. Jaime being counseled by Tyrion. There could even be a pre game scout from Varys POV.
    House Lannister could probably take on Drizzt’s homeland if Jaime loses.

  249. alicelouise58
    61 mos ago

    Oops got ahead of myself, How about a Drizzt vs Jaime match up?

  250. Aarrgghh
    61 mos ago

    ???…

  251. dpomerico
    61 mos ago

    And thus ends Cthulhu’s reign of terror. Sleep, Dark One…
    But stay tuned: Jaime Lannister now faces a dragon: Temeraire in his “improbable” run to the finals, starting this Wednesday. In the meantime, make sure to watch the video recap: http://bit.ly/aDmhZe
    Also, make sure to vote on the first two divisions of Round 3, which just began:
    http://bit.ly/dCDWem