@import url( http://www.randomhouse.com/art/bw06/buy_popup.css );
@import url( http://www.randomhouse.com/art/bw06/buy_popup_ie6.css );
The apocalypse is coming! What form will it take and how will you survive the catastrophe? Read the scenarios and vote on how you would survive!
“Am I buggin’ you? I don’t mean to bug ya.” — Bono
GIANT INSECT INVASION!
Good evening, folks, this is your captain speaking, and on behalf of everyone here at Suvudu Airlines we’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 2503 with nonstop service to Los Angeles. Our flying time today will be four hours and twenty-six minutes, and we’ll be cruising at an altitude of forty-two thousand feet. In special recognition of Earth Day, we’ll be offering you a unique selection of earth-friendly snacks and meals for small charge, as well as showing a free documentary about our amazing planet. Suvudu Airlines is pleased to report that today we will donating five percent of that money to various environmental charities. In just a few minutes we’ll be turning off the fasten seatbelts sign, and our friendly flight crew will be coming through with a selection of — OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?
Oh my God…oh my dear sweet Jesus –
(SCREAMS, GLASS SHATTERING, LOUD BUZZING SOUNDS, SUCKING NOISES)
What’s it doing to him? What’s it doing to h–
(FORTY-FIVE SECOND BREAK)
Folks…from the cockpit, this is your captain — oh, mother, mother of Christ…
(TWENTY-SECOND BREAK; LOUD BUZZING, SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD MAN SLURPING HIS CHOWDER)
– Folks, from the flight deck…
(THREE MINUTE BREAK)
– okay…Jesus…Jesus…folks, Captain Daniels from the flight deck…I need everybody to stay calm. Right now…you’ve probably already noticed…the aircraft seems to be under attack from…something…right now we’re fine, our cabin pressure has stablized and we’re absolutely…we –
(THIRTY SECONDS OF SILENCE)
…reports coming in now from New York and Washington DC of…it seems to be some kind of attack of giant insects. Mosquitoes, mainly — wasps, lo..locusts…they’re calling it…they saying hornets…the size of — this can’t be right…
(STRANGE, NEAR HYSTERICAL GIGGLE, SILENCE)
– Folks, from the flight deck…I apologize for that. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. It’s unprofessional behavior. I just — I’m sitting here next to the headless, sucked-out corpse of my navigator, with a copilot that just pissed his pants, and it’s — it’s just, giant insects, bugs, it’s like a bad movie, it’s like science fiction, it’s…what? What?
(RUSTLING SOUNDS, INAUDIBLE)
I — I know the microphone’s on, Brad, I know they can hear me, you think they can’t, YOU THINK THEY CAN’T LOOK OUT THE GODDAMN WINDOW AND SEE…?
(SIX MINUTES OF SILENCE)
Folks, this is your captain speaking. Look, I don’t know what’s happening…right now. We’re maintaining an altitude of eighteen thousand feet, you can look down and see it for yourselves, there’s just smoke everywhere, buildings on fire, whole cities, Newark is flames tonight — Paris, Tokyo…the Vatican…those things, those swarms of those things are everywhere…I’m getting unconfirmed reports now that cockroaches the size of mini-vans are crawling up out of the White House…there’s something floating in the reflecting pool…some kind of water beetle…oh God…
(SOBBING NOISES, TWENTY-TWO MINUTES OF SILENCE)
It’s Earth Day…Jesus…a-huh, a-huh-huh..hahahahaha…oh my God…
(ELEVEN MINUTE BREAK)
Folks…from the flight deck, this is your captain…in just a few minutes we’re going to be attempting an emergency landing…at this point in time I’d like to ask the flight attendants to be seated and prepare the cabin for landing. Right now I need everyone to make sure that your seatbelts are fastened and your tray tables are in the upright and locked positions, and…In the event that we do manage to get down safely, if we survive…I’m sorry…Marilyn…you deserved better. I’ve been cheating on you for the past six years. Even before then — I’ve been the worst, just the worst husband. Kids…there’s so much I should have done differently. When I think back about all of it, I’ve just — oh my God, oh my God are those maggots??
(SUDDEN THWAPPING NOISE LIKE GIANT WATER BALLOONS SLAPPING AGAINST A WINDSHIELD, SCREAMS, SUCKING NOISES, BUZZING SOUNDS GROWING LOUDER, APPROXIMATING HUMAN VOICE, ‘PEOPLE OF EARTH, EMBRACE YOUR NEW INSECT OVERLORDS,’ ETC)
BLACK BOX TRANSMISSION ENDS
Voracious arthropods have overtaken the planet on Earth Day. The odds appear insurmountable. How will YOU survive the coming insect apocalypse?
1. Give in. Accept the fact that, after thousands of years, it’s time to step down and let somebody else ride point on the food chain. Take a deep breath and prepare for a lifetime of slavery and servitude, delivering loads of festering trash to hungry grub worms and hoping you don’t get squashed between the mandibles of a giant mantis. Maybe if you get lucky they’ll inseminate you as part of some kind of pilot hybridization program and you’ll get an insect elementary school named after you.
2. Arm up. Haul out those old ninja throwing stars, Deep Woods Off, citronella candles, and napalm recipes that you downloaded when you were fourteen and start an underground resistance movement. Viva la revolucion!
3. Go deep. Grab your Kindle and some bottled water and head for the nearest cave. With ninety percent of the planet panicking in a state of total denial and running in circles up on the surface, our new insect overlords are going to have plenty of easy pickings topside while you dig in deep. By the time they get hungry again, you’ll be burrowed in so far down that you probably won’t be worth the hassle of excavating. Just don’t forget to bring plenty of Ramen noodles and Slim Jims. You probably won’t see daylight again anytime soon.
4. Bug out. Insanity is always highly underrated in these types of scenarios. Let’s be honest, in the coming days, you’re probably going to see everything and everyone you love being ripped to pieces and devoured by swarms of giant, starved insects. Who’s to say that some kind of total psychotic break isn’t the best alternative? Surely with the help of the internet, movies and comics, you’ve constructed some kind of internal fantasy habitat that’s infinitely preferable to reality at this point, haven’t you? Time to move in and take permanent residence.
How will you survive the insect invasion?survey software
Joe Schreiber is the author of Chasing the Dead, Eat the Dark, No Doors No Windows, and most recently Death Troopers.
Tell me more about: Eat the Dark
|
Tell me more about: Chasing the Dead
|
||||||||||||||||||||||
Tell me more about: No Doors, No Windows
|
Tell me more about: Star Wars: Death Troopers
|
