Suvudu Guest Blogger: FAMINE

This week, writer Matt Staggs has graciously surrendered his
account to a small group of guest bloggers. Today marks the last of
four entries from these writers.

Famine. That’s me. The last of the Four Horsemen. You’ve already heard from Death, War and Pestilence. Wonder what I’m gonna talk about. It’s not exactly like America has the kind of widespread starvation I’m accustomed to. I’d say that most of you don’t even know my name. It’s irritating.

The only kind of famine you people have is a famine of common sense. Double Downs? Double stupid, more like it. Sure, they taste great, don’t they? Yeah, but puppies and kitties think antifreeze tastes all yummy yum yum, too, and no responsible pet owner would ever leave that stuff in Fluffy or Spot’s food bowl. Take it from me: you’re killing yourselves.

Take a walk with me down the aisles of your local mega-food-mart: high fructose corn syrup, industrial strength preservatives, enough salt to melt the Great Slug of Planet Gastropod Omnicron Five several times over. You guys are eating yourselves to death. You better hope that Zombie Apocalypse that my buddy Death keeps joking about never actually happens: none of you will be able to outrun the zombies, and I’m talking about the slow ones. Those herky-jerky speedy ones? Forget about it.

America’s a bad place for famine in the traditional sense. A guy like me has to head out of the country to practice my trade. And jeez, I’m a professional and all, but have you seen what the so-called Third World looks like? Those people are starving, and at least part of it is due to you guys. I’ve heard it said that America consumes 25 percent of the world’s resources. Frankly put, you need to leave the disasters of Biblical proportions to me and the rest of the horsemen. I’m Famine, not you. I don’t need any help.

When I look at your bulbous, overwe—

[CONNECTION LOST]

[RESETTING]

[ENTERING THE CHAT ROOM OF ETERNITY]

[WAR] BULLSH*T, DUDE. DON’T GIVE THESE GUYS YOUR LIBERAL GUILT TRIP PROPAGANDA.

[FAMINE] War? Is that you?

[WAR] HELL YEAH, BROSEPH. AND I BROUGHT THE REST OF THE CREW.

[FAMINE] This is absolutely ridiculous. Don’t you have some – uh – “powning” to do? I didn’t interrupt your colorful little speech, did I?

[PESTILENCE] Oh, dear, sweet Famine. You look absolutely delightful. Have you lost a few pounds?

[FAMINE] Great. Great, great, great. Hello, Pestilence. And next time that I see you, keep those filthy mitts to yourself. It’s called “Purell,” and it’s not expensive. Guys, I believe that this is a breach of the Accord of Fates of 982 BC, when it was agreed that…

[WAR] WELL YOU TELL THAT STUPID NEWB THAT…HOLD ON…I’M HAVING SOME KIND OF CHAT WITH MY LAME COWORKERS. LET ME CHECK IN AND SEE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING…

[PESTILENCE] War, honey, I think that you’re typing into the wrong window. We read everything. And I for one am dismayed that you would think of me that way. How quickly you forget the battle of Kaffa. Those Tartars weren’t catapulting potpourri over the fortress walls, you know.

[FAMINE] Give it up. He’s an idiot. All he cares about is his “’splosions.” Now, back to my original point of contention. I will be happy to…

[WAR] THERE’S A SNIPER AT CONTROL POINT “A.” HIT HIM WITH THE PREDATOR. NO! NOT US! IDIOT!

[DEATH] Howdy do, kids. War, put down the damned headset. Pestilence, I swear if I see you coughing into the office coffee pot one more time, I’ll have you before the Board of Classical Personifications and Archetypes so quick it’ll make your swollen, achy head spin. And Famine? Shut your sanctimonious, soy-stinking mouth.

[WAR] Uh…

[FAMINE] You know, if you would just give my food a try you might like it. I make a lovely tempeh and sprouts stir-fry that I think…

[PESTILENCE] I’m going to the break room for something.

[DEATH] That’s enough out of all of you. When we…convinced…Suvudu to let us blog here for the week I never expected you all to use this thing for your personal soapbox. People don’t want to hear about the role of entertainment in manufacturing consent for emerging conflicts overseas, or America’s industrial foods and what they’re doing to our bodies, or any of that preachy crap. These readers want entertainment. They want aliens, space ships, elves and dragons. They want comic book villains, television, and lots of games. They want a balm for their existential aches and pains, and what do you give them? Pedantry disguised as humor. I’m truly disappointed in all of you. Especially you, War.

[WAR] Dude, why me?

[DEATH] Drop the fratboy crap.

[WAR] Sigh. If you insist, although I am loathe to break character. You do realize that I must keep relevant, yes? These children believe Thermopylae to be a kind of dinosaur and Ajax a household cleaner. I seek only to engage their imaginations once again… to inflame their hearts. Bother!

[DEATH] All I’m saying is that there’s no point in lecturing these people. They’ll meet us all, one way or another. Let them enjoy their respite for now.

[PESTILENCE] What did I miss?

[FAMINE] “Dad” gave one of his famous lectures

[DEATH] sigh.

[FAMINE] This was my day here at Suvudu, and I insist that I get the last word.

[WAR] As you like, old friend.

[FAMINE] Enjoy your Earth Day, Suvudu style. Visit us throughout the week for your chance to vote on how you’d survive all kinds of outlandish end-of-the-world scenarios. We’ll be around to see how you do.