My least favorite class in school was world history. I had this one teacher, who shall remain nameless here, who drilled the drollest minutia into our heads without mercy. “I was once given an interview for a teaching job, class,” she’d rant, “with only a turnip.”
“A turnip?” We’d indulge her.
“Yes, a turnip! The principal asked me if I could teach with only a turnip, and you know what I did? “I gave an entire lecture on medieval history and the effect the turnip had on the economic structure of feudalism and socialist uprisings utilizing a feminist interpretation of Sartre’s deconstruction of the Enlightenment!”
“Awesome!” We’d cry, scribbling wildly. But try as I might, I only managed to average a meager 67% on her exams.
Well now I wish I would have tried a little harder. I don’t know how I would have done it–maybe studied the night before my exams instead of watching Lord of the Rings. Maybe I could have, I don’t know, done the class reading. Probably would have been easier if I just transferred to that other high school near that sweet reservior.
Now, after she came with her V.I.L.E. cohorts, the world is a dark, cultureless place.
The time when Korea still had its Seoul, Lima’s beans weren’t missing, Greenland wasn’t perennially singing the blues. New York was known for such wonders like The Brooklyn Bridge, The Empire State Building, and it’s marvelous, yet sometimes smelly subway system. Cody, Wyoming was a real city, with real people. Not just a blank spot on the map. There was a Gulf in Persia, I swear, and the Chinese had an alphabet… man, that was a beautiful time. Back when the world was young. There was something wondrous called the Moon, an ozone layer, and Indonesian food had the most unique spice to it.
I still can’t bear to look at a map. All those colors… just brings back memories of that horrible night, the Night of Sirens and Buzzers, the night when humanity and culture as we know it was abandoned by my former self who couldn’t figure out where the hell Gary, Indiana was.
She’s running out of things to steal, children. She is a double-dealing diva with a severe addiction to thievery. She puts the “miss” in misdemeanor. There used to be beautiful things we called “monuments,” that had “cultural significance.” We didn’t care for them enough, and see what happened. If she got desperate, she’d steal the very air we breathe.
Please, children, before it’s too late–Find out where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.
Noooo!
1. Buy a shower curtain that has a map of the world on it. Study every night while showering. Multitasking is key.
2. Considering de-friending Dr. Ima LeZaarde, Mel Ancholy, and I.I. Captain on Facebook.
3. Become a roadie for Rock-a-pella. Those guys have to know something we don’t.
4. Hesitate before pulling that gum off your shoe.
How do you survive?customer surveys
always wanted one.