Mysterious Package from Quirk Books Warns of Zombie Menace « Suvudu - Science Fiction and Fantasy Books, Movies, Comics, and Games

PnPnZ
I was delighted and more than a little curious to find an unexpected parcel from Quirk Classics on my doorstep last night. Although I regularly receive review copies of books from publishers, Quirk included, this particular box felt like it contained something different…how different I was soon to find out.

My wife and I grabbed a knife and slit open the box – only to find another box within. But not any box. No, this was a weathered wooden case that resembled a tiny suitcase. Further, it smelled…well, delightful. Almond, vanilla and other less easily placed aromas hung in the air.

I grabbed my iPhone and took a few pictures as my wife opened the box’s little metal clasp. Inside we found a charming collection of little vials, bottles and other niceties, along with a copy of the Deluxe Heirloom Edition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and a note of explanation. We broke the letter’s wax seal and read the following:

November 12

Dearest Neighborly Acquaintance,
Please excuse the impropriety of dropping you this note unannounced. However, I stumbled across your digital correspondence, and I thought it my duty to warn you of the danger that is overrunning dear England. A horde of reanimated corposes – known as unmentionables, dreadfuls, or zombies, depending on your dialect – is spreading a terrible plague against which you must defend yourself. The situation is quite dire.

Who am I, you might ask? I, Elizabeth Bennet, lived a life of peace and propriety in the English countryside until a pustulent plague of unmentionables rose from the earth and began to wreak havoc on dear Hertfordshire. Thankfully, my sisters and I were trained in the most vicious defense techniques: swordplay, hand-to-hand combat, musketry, and sharp wit. Thus, my life has been devoted to fighting off the dreadfuls (as well as the attentions of a distasteful man named Mr. Darcy).

I see you as a kindred spirit, a fellow strong-willed individual who will fight – rather than fainting – at the sight of an unmentionable. I have therefore enclosed a kit of balms, salves and restorative from my apothecary, which you may use to defend yourself against the impending plague. Additionally, I hope you will benefit from an enclosed biography, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, a tale inspired by my family’s struggle to defeat the unmentionables.

I hope we can remain in contact as the number of zombies rises. I have recently purchased a Macintosh computer, and am attempting to spread the word of my quest through the Internet. You may find my correspondence, as well as that of my friends and family, at quirkclassics.com/zombies. Please help my cause and above else, take care.

Sincerely yours,

Elizabeth Bennet
Longbourn Estate
Hertfordshire, England
quirkclassics.com/zombies

After finishing the note we visited Ms. Bennet’s page, which contained links to the Facebook, Twitter and even Last.FM profiles for all of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ characters. (Yes, you can listen to Mr. Darcy’s favorite jams now.) While I busied myself with perusing all of this, my wife investigated the crate’s contents. Each item was accompanied by a small note of explanation, which I’ve reproduced for you here:

Candle
“Keep vigil near this flame, or use it as a weapon with which to ignite the lapel of a particularly incessant unmentionable.”

Soap

Body Lotion
“Gnaw-Be-Gone Purifying Poultice”
“Disinfects unsightly bites, bashes and brawl marks”

Rose Water
“Cadaver Banisher Eau De Cologne”
“Masks even the most moribund of musks”

Vanilla Lip Balm
“Bleed Banishing Balm Refreshing Salve”
“Instantly clots your wounds, so you can keep your brain – and your bonnet – intact”

Bath Salts
“Reanimate & Perambulate Smelling Salts”
“For Dreadfully Quick Revival”

Linen Handkerchief
“For removing sanguine stains, and for dabbing the perspiration from your brow after a particularly harrowing tussle.”

Do, if you would, indulge Ms. Bennet’s request. Befriend her friends and family on Facebook, follow them on Twitter, and most important of all, find and read the Deluxe Heirloom Edition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. This handsome volume, complete with gorgeous color illustrations, ribbon placemark and beautiful endpapers, will bring a touch of class and sophistication to any zombie library.