About the Warlord: Corvis Rebaine, the “Terror of the East,” nearly conquered all of Imphallion two decades ago. Since then, he’s mostly wanted to keep to himself and his family, but you won’t leave him alone. Each week the Warlord offers the readers of Suvudu advice. And they’ll take it if they know what’s good for them. Read more about Corvis Rebaine, Terror of the East, in Ari Marmell’s The Conqueror’s Shadow, and its sequel, The Warlord’s Legacy.
My girlfriend and I met while playing a fantasy-themed Massive Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game. Things were going really well, both online and offline, until she joined rival guild. Now our online relationship has become a little more “PvP” than I’d like, and offline? Well, lately I’ve been finding myself having to quest longer and further for – ahem – “treasure” than before. How can I strike a truce with my looting lover?
Huzzah!
Vargoth the Blood-Seeker, level 60 Warlock
Dear Vargoth,
What language are you speaking? Be patient while I find a translator…
Ah. All right, I believe I get it now. Your society is strange and disturbing to me–and I’ve dealt with gnomes.
First, you’re seven kinds of fool for playing at being a warlock when you’re not one. You’re exactly the sort of person that the dark powers are most attracted to. Oh, it’ll seem all fun and games at first, until you discover that the fellow “gamer” to whom you’ve jokingly traded your soul for “phat lutes” (did I say that right? My translator is too busy laughing to tell me) was actually quite serious about it.
But it’s very clear that your girlfriend is taking these meaningless allegiances far more seriously than you are. I assume that you’ve already attempted to speak to her about the matter, and that such a rational course of action hasn’t worked. I’m also assuming that I cannot expect “Vargoth the Blood-Seeker” to be willing to quit the game. (And I thought people calling me the “Terror of the East” was silly.)
You therefore have two options.
First, if these allegiances are indeed unimportant to you, join her guild. Be prepared, however, to be the subservient half of your relationship from that point forward.
My recommendation, though,is to slaughter her entire guild. This eliminates the wedge that has come between you, while also proving that you’re the stronger (or smarter, or most tactically savvy).
And now my translator tells me that “death” in these games is not permanent. What the hell sort of “wargames” are these?! Ah, well. If I understand the games properly, then all I can say is, track down the leader of the rival guild in the real world. This is hardly worth killing over, but I’m fairly certain you have to have usable fingers to play, do you not…?
Got your own questions for the Warlord? Leave them in the comments. Maybe he’ll answer them.
Does your character in the book really look like the woman on the cover of The Warlord’s Legacy?
Shawn: Well, Corvis himself obviously doesn’t.
But yes, there’s a character who more or less does.
Or was Corvis supposed to answer that question?
Well, probably best for you that he didn’t. Given the implications of the question, and who the character is, he might have hunted you down and killed you on general principles.
Corvis, I have a problem that requires your assistance. Around our office we share a refrigerator and everyone uses it to store their lunches or breakfasts or, on occasion, dinners. Lately a few of us have been noticing that items have been disappearing, but we don’t know who is pilfering the food. We’ve tried sending out an office memo but to no avail. How can we curb this scandalous snacking?