Five Sci-Fi Toys I Wish I Could Have Had

One of the coolest parts of being an sci-fi and fantasy fan is all of the great toys – er, I mean – collectibles. From laser pistols to light sabers and licensed masks, there’s almost always a souvenir or two on the market to commemorate your favorite film – Except when there’s not. Some of favorite movies and TV shows never issue collectibles, or they issue the wrong ones. I bet you know what I mean: do you remember looking through racks of action figures only to find that they didn’t make one of that *one* guy you really liked? Wow! Talk about frustration!

Well, in no particular order, here’s a list of some of my own “wish” collectibles: stuff that they never officially issued, but I would have bought if they had. After you get done reading mine, why don’t you tell me all about yours?

Snake Plissken Eye Patch:
The eighties were the Kurt Russell decade, with the great actor starring in easily half a dozen awesome science fiction films, undoubtedly due to his association with director John Carpenter. I always thought Russell’s best role was as Escape From New York’s unstoppable bad-ass, Snake Plissken. Only Snake could make an eye-patch look so cool. That would have been part of an awesome Halloween costume, given of course my mom’s permission. (What depth perception problems? Snake doesn’t have them! When you’re Snake Plissken bullets go where you want ‘em to. He could probably just spit them at the bad guys if he really wanted to.)

Official The Thing Testing Kit:
Sure, it’s another Russell film, sue me. I said it was his decade. Anyway, Who can forget the blood test scene in The Thing? MacReady’s jury-rigged screening kit could have been the basis for an awesome family board game. “Who’s possessed by a Lovecraftian hell-spawn at the Jones house? Is it sis? Pops? Ma? What about Rover? Fun for everyone!”

Face-Melting Nazi Guy:
Me and my little hoodlum friends loved the face-melting climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and would have gone nuts to have the opportunity to re-enact it in our own backyards. A screaming mannequin head, some soft wax and a “get your parents to help!” disclaimer could have made our dreams come true. Is that too much to ask, Milton-Bradley?

Snake Man Action Figure:
Before there was Inception, there was Dreamscape, a Cold War espionage fantasy about secret agents who can kill people through their dreams. At one crucial moment the commie bad guy morphs into a cobra-headed monster to terrorize two poor kids: the one on the screen and me, sitting at home watching it on my then brand-new VCR. I feared the Snake Man, but I loved him, too. I would have had a grand time terrorizing my poor sister’s Barbies with this commie cobra.

ET the Extra-Terrestrial Bad Guy Figure:
You’re right, there were no bad aliens in ET, but why should that stop a toy manufacturer? There were no little go-carts in Star Wars, either, but they still sold those back in the day. Imagine what an “Evil ET” would have looked like: all tentacle-limbed with a finger that shoots lasers….”OUCH, indeed.”