THE “Doctor Who” Christmas Special Countdown: #5

Only twelve more days until that most exciting day of all, that special time of year when family and friends gather together around the tree, awash in the glow of the fireplace…and watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special on BBC America.  It’s a tradition as near and dear as putting cookies and milk out for Santa on Christmas Eve—or beer and salami if you grew up at my house, but that’s another story.

A recent poll determined that more people would rather travel in the Doctor’s big blue police box on Christmas Eve than in Santa’s sleigh.  (Okay, not that scientific a poll—I asked my Facebook friends which they’d prefer.  Let’s just say, their answers spoke volumes.)  As for myself, I’d take a TARDIS over a sleigh in arctic winds behind stinky reindeer any day.  I imagine Santa would, too.  Come to think of it…a time-bending TARDIS could explain how he distributes all those toys in such a short period of time.  Could someone look into that?

Two weeks can seem like a lifetime when you don’t have a time-traveling spaceship, so to scratch that Who itch, all week I’m counting down the Top 5 Doctor Who Christmas Specials.  In the nearly 800 episodes in the history of the series, there have been less than a dozen Christmas episodes, and even a few of those don’t exactly qualify as holiday-themed except they premiered on Christmas Day.  So, based on some rather unique algorithms, calculated measures, and precise differentials (i.e. how much I liked them), I came up with the five best holiday episodes.  You may disagree with my countdown.  In fact, I hope you do. Any debate will pass the time quickly until Doctor Who’s Eve, December 24^th, when we leave out fish fingers and custard under the tree in anticipation of the “whooshing” sound on the roof.

#5:  Voyage of the Damned or “My (Two) Heart(s) Will Go On”

As names for Christmas specials go, Voyage of the Damned doesn’t quite invoke visions of roasting chestnuts and sugar plums, but, for a time, this standalone 2007 episode that started off Season Four was the highest-charting Doctor Who episode ever.

The Titanic, but not THE Titanic

The Doctor (Number Ten, David Tennant, that is) has just said goodbye to Martha Jones—now dealing with her family’s PTSD following a harrowing and imaginary year with the Master—when the hull of a ship crashes through the defenseless TARDIS.  Even more unsettling, the ship’s name, Titanic, is emblazoned on a life preserver.  As it turns out, this Titanic is actually a present-day luxury spaceship cruise liner from the planet Sto and its passengers are sailing Earth’s orbit on Christmas Eve.  As evidenced by the ship’s name, the people of Sto aren’t exactly spot-on with their interplanetary knowledge—the boat’s resident Earth “expert,” Mr. Copper, informs the travelers that “human beings worship the great god Santa, a fearsome creature with claws, and his wife Mary,” among other dubious trivia.

The Doctor becomes a stowaway aboard the Sto vessel, owned and operated by businessman Max Capricorn, and soon bumps into plucky waitress Astrid Peth, played by international pop superstar Kylie Minogue.  She should be so lucky (lucky, lucky, lucky) for this serendipitous meeting:  She’s always dreamed of seeing the stars, and the cruise job is her ticket out of palooka-planet.  And, being young and pretty, she perfectly fits the profile to be the Doctor’s next companion!

The Doctor and Astrid Peth do The Locomotion

But the ship’s course doesn’t run so smoothly—what did you expect? It is called the Titanic.  The Captain has relieved his crew for the night, save for one Midshipman Frame, and lowered the defense shields.  As three meteors hurtle towards the craft, and the Midshipman tries to defy orders to keep the shields lowered, the Captain reveals that he is dying and that his family was promised a lot of money in exchange for destroying the ship.  And 1-2-3, like that, the big flaming rocks hit the starboard side, effectively turning the Titanic into Swiss cheese.  The Doctor looks out a porthole to see debris, fatalities, and the TARDIS—his only lifeboat—floating away to Earth below.

With a small band of survivors that includes Astrid, Mr. Copper, a married couple in their rodeo finest, and a red-skinned cyborg alien bearing the name of my future cat, Bannakaffalatta, the Doctor makes his way to Midshipman Frame, who is trapped in the ship’s helm.  One problem: the Host, android concierges dressed like C3PO with angel wings and slice ’n dice halos, have malfunctioned and are now on a mission to kill any remaining passengers.   The Host aren’t the only danger, either.  The impact of crashing into Earth is great enough to kill everyone on the entire planet.

The not-so-Heavenly Host

As he always does, the Doctor inspires the survivors to take risks they wouldn’t otherwise conceive of, some even sacrificing themselves in the process.  That includes Astrid. When the Doctor finally arrives at the ship’s secret control room and comes face-to-face with Max Capricorn himself, now a wheel-bound cyborg looking to collect a hefty sum from the disaster, it is Astrid who sneaks in on a forklift and drives Max overboard, taking herself into the ship’s fiery engines with him.

Now, before you start saying “I’ll never let go, Jack,” the Doctor still has to stop the Titanic’s descent towards Earth, which by all indications looks like it will crash in Buckingham Palace’s backyard.  While everyone in London skipped town for holiday to avoid yet another Christmas Day alien invasion, the Queen and her corgis are staying put to prove there is nothing to worry about.  One phone call from the Doctor, however, puts Her Majesty on high alert as the Titanic spaceship narrowly misses BP and swoops back up to the heavens.  Christmas Day is saved!  Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Astrid Peth, though the Doctor finds a way for her energy to float freely through space, exploring the stars like she always dreamed.

While clearly not my favorite holiday episode, Voyage of the Damned has all the Who elements that we’ve come to expect—severed-head bad guys, impending global doom, killer robot angels.  (Between this and “Blink,” I’m wondering what writer Russell T. Davies has against angels in the first place.)  The episode also provides a chance for the Doctor to have a brief, albeit ill-fated, fling with a companion.  The chaste and unrequited relationships with Rose Tyler and Martha Jones, made his kiss with Astrid, bedecked in a provocative maid get-up, seem downright saucy.  But, perhaps the greatest highlight in Voyage of the Damned is when we learn Midshipman Frame’s first name is Alonso.  This gives the 903-year-old Doctor the perfect long-awaited opportunity to finally say, “Allons-y, Alonso!”

And, on that note, I’ll allon-see you tomorrow with #4 in the countdown.  (Seriously, I can hear you groaning from here.)

–Read the #4 “Doctor Who” Christmas special here